Take Me To Church
by Daerwyn
Summary: She never wanted to celebrate her 18th birthday anyway, and she got her wish. Her and Jasper forge a bond through the blood and fire that accompanies her new life. He understands what she's going through, because he has to. And she understands him, because she listens. But nothing comes easy, and Bella has only gotten a taste of the dangers of her new world. Jasper/Bella. Mate!Bond
1. My Lover's got Humour

**Title:** Take Me To Church

 **Rating:** M

 **Summary:** She never wanted to celebrate her 18th birthday anyway, and she got her wish. Her and Jasper forge a bond through the blood and fire that accompanies her new life. He understands what she's going through, because he has to. And she understands him, because she listens. But nothing comes easy, and Bella has only gotten a taste of the dangers of her new world.

 **Disclaimer:** I don't own anyone in Stephenie Meyer's universe. I simply play with them.

 **Warnings:** Cursing, sexual scenes/situations, angst, murder.

 **Spoilers:** Spoilers for the Twilight book and parts of New Moon/Eclipse.

 **Author's Notes:** This is a story I've had in my storage for a really long time, trying to get it _just_ right. But, I've decided that in 2016, I can't be a perfectionist always. And therefore, you'll have this story early:) Jasper/Bella is one of my absolute favorite pairings, and this song that inspired this story, Take Me To Church by Hozier, is _amazing_. I can listen to it all day long. So, if you want the vibe of this story, listen to the original song! I'm always available on my tumblr, _ODaerwyn_ , if you have any questions or just want to talk! Enjoy!

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 **~ Part 1: Human ~**

"You guys really shouldn't have," Bella insisted as Alice pressed a present to her.

A birthday party was the very last thing she wanted today. As she clutched the present, perhaps tighter than it needed to be, she felt a wave of calm hit her. Not to make her agree to all of this readily, but to relax her. She glanced towards Jasper, giving a grateful smile. He did not say anything - he usually didn't if he helped her moods - but he tipped his head in acknowledgement.

Bella then glanced around the small room, through all the candles and decorations that were surely brand new and more than fifty cents at the local party store. It was… it was really extensive and too much. She tried to understand that they were excited, she really did. But it was just a birthday. Just another day.

She really hoped this box wasn't full of diamonds or something equally as ridiculous. She was about to say such when Alice prompted her to just open it.

"You're going to age more worrying over it than you are just today," Alice giggled out.

Bella took a deep breath. "I know, I just… This is a lot to take in. Usually, my birthdays consist of eating a bag of doritos and binge watching some old episodes of Friends that Renee had taped." Carlisle chuckled.

"Well, if that was all you wanted, we have a few things on DVD in the living room," he offered.

She chewed on her lip again, glancing down to the small box, and gave a sigh.

"It's from Jasper and I," Alice pressed. "Well, Jasper narrowed it down to that. He insisted you didn't want a massive diamond necklace-"

Bella glanced up sharply, her eyes wide. Everyone seemed to laugh at the expression. "Absolutely not, Alice," Bella said immediately, trying to hand the box back to the pixie, but she practically vibrated with excitement, looking more expectantly towards the present.

"That's not what's inside. Open it already, will you?"

Bella hesitantly pulled it back. "Promise, darlin'," Jasper spoke up. "I put my foot down on sapphires and rubies. Felt they were more your taste." She glanced up to him wide eyed once more, but he gave her a wink. "Just open it before Alice has me bouncin' off these walls."

"Right," Bella muttered, and she took a deep breath. "Really, the stereo was enough though. Now I can listen to the radio for the five whole minutes it takes to get to school." She jerked the wrapping and sucked in a sharp breath at the searing pain.

It wasn't really searing pain so much as a sharp jerk of it, and then it was really just a sting. But enough of a pain that she had dropped the present.

"Ow," Bella muttered, putting the finger in her mouth. "Shoot, papercut-" Before she could even process what that meant, there was a loud snarl that tore through the room. And then she felt a large dose of absolute fear hit her. And she was certain that it wasn't her feeling those emotions. She glanced up at Jasper in a split second, but was already being catapulted backwards.

Edward. Edward had been the one to snarl, and then throw her backwards. And the fear was certainly not her own. It was mirrored by the expression on Jasper's face as she soared through the air still. It was like everything was in slow motion. She was still flying.

Wasn't there a wall right behind her?

And then she felt it. The impact. It hurt so much that she did not even think of crying out. She just crashed into the wall and then the glass table underneath where she had landed.

It was like Phoenix all over again, with the ballet studio in pieces around her. And the snarling. She looked up, a gasped pain leaving her, to see that Emmett was holding onto Edward, and Carlisle had his other arm. While Esme and Rosalie were seemingly restraining Jasper.

Alice was standing between them, her eyes wide. As if a vision had hit her so suddenly, she had no time to process it.

"Get Jasper out of here," Emmett snapped.

"No," Alice insisted. "Everyone stop!" There was still the rippling of snarls that seemed to be coming between the two adopted brothers. Edward facing off against Jasper. But the rest of the family fell silent, save for the breathing of Bella that even to her ears was a little too loud.

"He'll be fine," Alice said strongly. "I know he will. Let him go. He can help Bella. Take Edward outside."

"He can't be trusted with her-" Edward snarled.

"Carlisle," Alice snapped. "Now, or we'll only make this worse-"

Rosalie and Esme take Edward's arm for Carlisle and drag him outside. Immediately, Jasper was at Bella's side, and she blinked rapidly in a daze at how close he had gotten so quickly. Something cool pressed against her arm, and she jumped slightly at the sharp pain that accompanied it.

"Sorry, darling. I'm just trying to stop the bleeding." She groaned, and her eyes squeezed shut. Now she could feel every inch of the wound on her arm. And she was certain something was broken. Her ribs? Maybe her stomach was soup. She wasn't sure. It felt like she was pierced through. She glanced down quickly to make sure that wasn't the case, making her dizzy almost instantly.

"You'll be alright, Bella, darlin'." She didn't feel alright. Some calm eased into her before she could panic. Her dark green dress was drenched in blood. She couldn't see any piercings on her stomach. Where was she bleeding from? As she glanced up, taking in Jasper's expression, she saw that his eyes were black. He swallowed. "She's…. You've got some broken ribs, definitely, and…" He glanced towards Carlisle, kneeling beside her as well. "Her artery, Carlisle-"

Her artery? What artery?

"I know," Carlisle said quietly.

He knew what?

"I'm right here," Bella ground out. Oh, it hurt to breath. Her pain spiked just with the few words and she took a shallow breath. Some more calm eased into her, forcing her to relax slightly. What was that sound? Every breath she took - oh, it was her. Raspy breaths that sounded too … too sick to be from her. She hadn't had a cold in over a month and a half. She was healthy. Jasper's grip seemed to tighten, and she almost couldn't feel the pain. "You guys… need to go away. The blood-"

"The blood's fine, darlin'," Jasper insisted. "Edward's not here. It's fine."

"But you said that you weren't strong enough-"

"I'm doing fine," Jasper promised. He gave her a charming smile that made her trust him almost immediately. She wondered if it was his gift or his charisma that did it. "I'll let you know the minute I need some air, alright?" She gave a jerky nod, and the pain went away with another dose of calm. It seemed to be like waves, flowing in and out of her. The pain would come and go with each dose. Did that mean the pain was increasing? Or that his gift only worked in waves like that?

She wasn't sure.

She just felt like she was choking slightly. Like she had swallowed wrong.

"Let's sit back a little," Carlisle offered, and it seemed to be a mutual agreement between the two men, and she was moved against the wall that she had crashed into. The table wasn't more than a pile of rubble under her, but that seemed to be the least of their concerns. She found she didn't really care either. "Is that better?"

"Not really," Bella admitted.

"I'm going to feel along your ribs for the break, Bella. This may hurt a bit," Carlisle warned.

"Just look at me, darlin," Jasper said right after. Bella rested her head against the wall, glancing up to the blonde, Civil War veteran. He was giving her a smile that was strained with worry. He wasn't very convincing, especially if he was about to promise that everything would be fine again. "I can take the pain away better with eye contact." She nodded, swallowing hard as she felt Carlisle's hand start moving along the soaked fabric of her dress. She sucked in a sharp breath, the pain burning her stomach. "Bella, eye contact, darling." She tried to open her eyes, but it hurt too much. A cool hand rested on her cheek, and a wave of relief was almost instantaneous. "Alright, this will do."

"You would be really good at magic tricks," Bella murmured. "Like that hypnotizing thing. Make people feel certain ways."

"The early twentieth century was a whirlwind for my abilities," Jasper quipped. She snorted, and immediately regretted it. The pain was fading remarkably. Jasper was really good at this. But she didn't want to open her eyes.

"I'm losing her, Carlisle."

"Alice, I need you to get the-" Carlisle started.

"On it," Alice spoke.

Was Alice still in the room?

Not anymore.

"Bella, you're going to need to hang in there," Carlisle spoke firmly.

"Only you would be stubborn enough to want to die before they turned eighteen officially. Don't think I didn't see the birth certificate. Eighteen minutes to midnight, Bella? Really? You couldn't wait three more hours?"

"Jasper, you really talk a lot once you start to get to know someone, you know that?" Bella murmured.

"Just trying to take your mind off things." She hummed, but it turned into a haggard cough. Was she dying? She just thought Jasper was really, really good at this pain-killer stuff.

"Bella, do you still want this life?" Carlisle asked quietly.

She couldn't help the snort that left her. As she opened her eyes, Carlisle was glancing her over like she had some new issue that had sprung up in the last five minutes. Along with the rest of this.

"She's amused," Jasper translated.

"Why?" Carlisle asked, aghast. "Bella, you're-"

"I always wanted to say bite me," Bella wheezed out.

Jasper let out a guffaw, his eyes rolling as he glanced down to his grip on her arm. She looked as well, and suddenly understood where all this blood was coming from. There was a piece of glass embedded into her arm, and it was absolutely ghastly looking. Jasper's hand that wasn't against her cheek was absolutely covered in the red blood. And it was pooling on the carpet. So that was where her artery was.

"I didn't think you guys would appreciate the jab, but it's either now or never."

"Really, Bella?" Jasper groaned. "That's not very funny."

"I told you you wouldn't appreciate it." She took a breath of air, to try and clear her cloudy head, but it ended up making the pain spike, just before Jasper quenched it down. "Fuck."

"Potty mouth, darlin-"

"I'll give you guys a quarter later. I didn't bring my wallet. Edward said I wouldn't need it. Dinner's on me." She gave another wheezing laugh. "Maybe dinner's in me this time."

"Jasper, cool it with the emotion-"

"She's doing this herself." Jasper shots her a look. "Your jokes aren't that funny, darlin'."

"Yes, they are." She brought her other hand, that didn't have the glass in the arm, up to her stomach, pressing gently. "I… I wouldn't mind this life. Not if… if I'm still welcome to it."

"You're always family," Carlisle said gently.

"What about the treaty?" Jasper murmured, not too quiet, but just enough that she struggled to hear. Treaty? Or maybe this was the part where she hallucinated.

"Changing her would violate the treaty." Carlisle glanced to Bella, his face scrunched up like he was going to do something he'd regret. "I never have gone back on my word-"

"Jasper can do it." The new voice signaled Alice's return. Bella tried to see her, but couldn't over the two men crouched in front of her. "Jasper wasn't there for it, and never signed the document. He's an outside party-"

"Whitlock Coven," Jasper murmured. Whitlock? Was that the coven he had been in before this one? "Charlotte and Peter would be witnesses should there be any questions."

Carlisle was silent for only a second. "Do it, Jasper. If this is the choice she's made."

"You do want this life, darling?" Jasper questioned. Bella glanced between them, and gave a slow nod.

"More than anything."

Jasper swallowed, as if venom was pooling in his mouth. "Alright. Then I'll change you."

"Try to be gentle, this is my first time."

He snorted, glancing to Carlisle. "I swear, that's not me at all." Looking to Bella, he said, "Not your first time, though, darlin'. I'm sure you remember Phoenix." Oh, yeah, she supposed that counted. She remembered the burning. Oh, man… She was not looking forward to that again. He glanced back towards Alice, and then to Carlisle. "If there's a chance I can't stop… You must try to stop me. I've changed many people in my day, but I haven't had human blood in… in a very long time, Carlisle. I couldn't slip-"

"I believe in you, Jasper," Carlisle said quietly. "You'll be able to do this. No one else in this family is as strong as you."

How many people had Jasper changed? What in the world was going on? Bella knew nothing about Jasper's past, just that he was in the Civil War. She took a shallow breath, trying to give them an easy smile.

"You guys make this sound like it's so difficult. I'm either a cupcake or a whole cake. Just… I'd really appreciate it if you didn't eat the whole cake." Bella's weak smile was lost as Jasper shot her a look. "What? I'm serious, I'd really appreciate it."

"Death makes you a little weird, Bella."

"I've always been weird. This is just some charm shining through that has been too shy before. Got to get the jokes out in case I never can again-"

"This will hurt, darlin, but I'll do my best to stop you from feeling it."

Bella swallowed. This was it, then. She was really going to be changed, hopefully successfully. The hand that was on her cheek over down to her neck, pulling her hair out of the way. The chill of his skin tickled her.

And then it was burning. She clenched her teeth down on her lip, to stop from crying out. A crunching sounded, and she wondered briefly if it was her skin under his teeth.

But the pain blocked all thought. His hand that wasn't clutching at her wound still was resting on her shoulder, and she could feel the pain leaving her there at least, but the burning on her neck was like a localized fire. Like a hot poker against her neck that wasn't moving away. A brand. In some ways, it was like one. The mark would stay with her forever. That was how it was. She had seen the mark on Edward's wrist of where Carlisle had changed him. And Carlisle had shown his own wound once on his neck, the scars more visible due to the violent attack that had rendered him changed.

Would hers be that noticeable? It certainly felt like he was tearing into her neck without remorse.

She wondered, so briefly that it barely registered, if Jasper was going to ever pull away. It felt like an incredibly long amount of time he was at her neck, drinking her blood? But it didn't feel like she was losing any blood. She could just feel the fire deeper in her veins.

She wasn't sure when he pulled away, but she knew when she heard his voice. "Alright, darlin', I'm going to do the arm now, okay, so it heals and we don't have to worry about you bleeding out."

Well, at least she wasn't dead. But it really, really hurt. Three days, right? Of this torture?

She heard the sound of glass clinking. He must have pulled the glass out of her arm. She couldn't feel that. She could only feel the burning.

And then even more.

"Bella, you okay, darlin'?" Jasper's calm voice sounded. How was he so calm? Couldn't he feel the pain? Couldn't he feel her burning alive? She tried to answer, but it just sounded like a groan of pain. "I'm going to put you to sleep so that you don't feel it for a while, okay? It'll be easier to move you with you asleep."

Sleep sounded really good. He must have felt that, because there was a chuckle. "Alright, just hold on." His cool hands came to her cheeks, and it soothed what she was sure was a burning sweat on her skin. But it was back in seconds. An initial sooth to an insatiable itch.

She opened her eyes to see Jasper staring at her with upmost concentration. There was blood dripping from his mouth, her blood. Usually she fainted at the sight of it, but with him… it looked dangerous. It made him look absolutely deadly.

But also that he wasn't going to let anything bad happen to her. He looked entirely determined to make sure she was alright. He seemed to notice her watching him, doing her best not to cry out in pain, because a small twitch made his lips smile just enough for her to see. "We're going to go to Alaska, for the change. So you're isolated," Jasper told her quietly. "You'll be safe. Alright?"

She nodded and her eyes fluttered shut as it felt like someone punched her. The wave of emotion was complete exhaustion, and she sagged slightly, falling asleep just as arms caught her.

Jasper only removed one hand from her cheek to catch her shoulder, so that she could not fall too far.

"I'll call Carmen and Eleazar," Carlisle said quietly. "It is best the both of you are cleaned up before you arrive. The less blood that you travel with, the better. We do not want any nomads to catch your scent and intervene."

Jasper gave a nod of agreement. "I'll wash her," Alice said quietly. "Carlisle would you mind if I used your bathroom? The tub will give me more room."

"Of course," Carlisle spoke. "I'll start cleaning up."

"What are we going to do?" Jasper questioned as he watched Alice carefully pick Bella up. It was amusing, seeing Alice pick up someone at least a handful taller than her. But Alice did it with ease, just as their entire species did. As they ran off, Jasper glanced to Carlisle. Sadness. Complete sadness. "You did not fail her, Carlisle. She wanted this life. It was only a matter of time."

"Edward will be furious-"

Jasper snorted. "Edward did this to her, Carlisle. Do not delude yourself otherwise. You saw him throw her across the room just as I did."

Carlisle closed his eyes. "I'm sorry that I doubted your intentions. I knew better, but … if I hadn't tried to get them to restrain you, maybe Bella wouldn't have been hurt-"

Jasper gave Carlisle a half smile. He was used to their doubts, he had them himself. Carlisle was different than the others in the regard that he was always regretful for feeling that way. Edward simply never trusted him. Carlisle was a friend, an ally. Never tried to be a father, but always tried to keep his family as protected as possible. Bella was all of their priorities. Having her safety put above all else was the right decision.

"What's the plan for covering this up? The wolves won't be happy," Jasper warned. "And I doubt they will see reason."

"We'll stick with the original plan we created for James," Carlisle admitted. Jasper stiffened slightly as he felt Bella's emotions in the other room spike with pain for a moment, before he silenced it.

"Sorry, I had to set her down," Alice could be heard, and then the sound of water running from the shower.

"So, the truck will be needed," Jasper said quietly. "Carlisle that's a risk without a body…"

Carlisle hesitated, and Jasper could feel some reluctance from him. "There's a body in the morgue at the hospital that will be cremated tonight. I can sneak it out and stage it. We'll make sure that it's put to rest."

"Alice?" Jasper questioned.

"Charlie will be devastated, but he won't ask for an autopsy. It will be staged to be believable."

Jasper nodded once. "She's… she's going to have a hard time adjusting. She may want this life, but she has no idea what it entails yet. She hardly knows anything."

Carlisle sighed. "I know, Jasper. Thank you for…" There was no need to say it. Jasper had done it. It was over now. "I knew that you would be strong enough. To be truthful, I did not know if even I could stop. Her blood doesn't sing to me, but it does smell exquisite."

Jasper could still taste her on his tongue. He had not swallowed much, perhaps a mouthful, but it was enough to know that she was one of the sweetest. But there were a few in his day that had even stronger blood. Some that he hadn't the strength to pull away from.

"I've had sweeter," Jasper said by way of explaining. "We'll leave for Denali as soon as she's ready." Jasper glanced around. "Don't forget a few gifts to stage it with. And make sure that Edward doesn't disappear. You don't want Charlie to get suspicious about anything. I'll be back to make appearances once I'm sure it's … safe."

Carlisle nodded, rising from the ground. "Take care of her, Jasper. You can keep her from doing things that she may regret."

"It is best you get there as soon as possible," Jasper admitted. "She will take to seeing a familiar face. And my face is one that she likely won't be receptive too with her instincts."

Carlisle gave him a smile. "You underestimate yourself, Jasper. She trusts you. You've dealt with far more newborns than I have. It may even be best you help her. You weren't here for controlling the others. You'd likely disagree with my methods." Jasper gave him a wry smile. "Organic free-range parenting isn't exactly your style."

"My mama raised me with a one inch thick piece of wood, Carlisle," Jasper countered lightly, almost teasingly. "She'll need a firm set of rules to follow in order to overcome the bloodlust quickly-"

"Something you'll be wonderful at. The family will join you within a few weeks. As soon as Alice deems it appropriate."

"Always listen to Alice," Jasper said with a smirk. He glanced down at his hands, grimacing. "I'll go wash up. Make sure this is clean before Edward gets back."

"Of course." It was a dynamic between them that always stretched beyond the boundaries of the others. Jasper often gave orders, a habit he'd fall into in tense situations. A defense mechanism he had picked up in his youth, to keep things in control - to make sure there were no screw ups. If anything went wrong with keeping Bella a secret, they did not only risk exposing themselves, but also risked the Italian kings swooping in and playing God. "She will adjusted well, it will just take time."

And Carlisle reminded him of the emotions that were normal to feel. Not everything that he could feel at once. The anxiety of Esme, the panic of Emmett, the pain of Bella. And the hope of Carlisle. His compassion was his greatest gift, but Jasper knew that one day, it would lead to his downfall.

Carlisle believed everyone had good in them.

It was how Jasper was able to stay with them in the first place.

"We'll be there in a few days," Carlisle said as a way of parting. Jasper said nothing in return. He just headed for the shower, in his own bathroom, so he could scrub the sweet blood off of him before he broke. It was so much better than she smelt in person. His hands were almost shaking, they were clenched so tightly.

Three days, and then the blood wouldn't be a problem for him anymore.

Then, it would be a problem for her.


	2. She's a giggle at a funeral

Title: Take Me To Church

Rating: M

Summary: She never wanted to celebrate her 18th birthday anyway, and she got her wish. Her and Jasper forge a bond through the blood and fire that accompanies her new life. He understands what she's going through, because he has to. And she understands him, because she listens. But nothing comes easy, and Bella has only gotten a taste of the dangers of her new world.

Disclaimer: I don't own anyone in Stephenie Meyer's universe. I simply play with them.

Warnings: Cursing, sexual scenes/situations, angst, murder.

Spoilers: Spoilers for the Twilight book and parts of New Moon/Eclipse. Author's Notes: I did not intend for a year to span between the first chapter and this one, but it happened. And I'm so sorry. I've been sporadically writing this chapter for the last few weeks, as inspiration comes. And I'm pushing it out before I can go back and change something. I hope you like it, and I'm so thankful for the enormous feedback that the first chapter has gotten.

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Jasper was presented Bella as soon as he got out of the shower, dressed in jeans and a simple t-shirt that would only get dirty and torn in the run. She was flushed, and the gash in her arm a mere pink scar that would only further fade as she changed. And the bite mark he had made to seal the wound was beginning to fade as well. But unlike the gash, the bite mark would never fade completely. This life always left its first scars, and always made sure the pain had a reminder.

Jasper could only feel a dull pain from her, but it was not the burning he had often felt with others. He remembered his own change. When he had the chance, he had made sure that there was little pain felt by others, and would sit with them when Maria was gone. So they could have someone with him, like he hadn't. He cradled Bella easily, surprised by how light she weighed. He had not carried a human in over a century.

Her body had a certain softness to it that vampires lacked. An uncertainty of the space that even sweet Esme had a certainty of. A sure place in the world. It was like her body knew how easily she could be taken from the world - how much stronger and darker monsters were that lurked in the shadows.

The run was a little over the span of the night, and they arrived in Denali just after sunrise.

They were expected, and Eleazar greeted Jasper at the door before he had even stepped foot on the expansive property. He was one of the darker vampires, with a more olive complexion, true to his hispanic background. It almost took Jasper back to life in Texas and Mexico. Almost. The snow was still to Jasper's knees, and the thin t-shirt he wore was covered in patches of snow that looked like fur.

"Is this her?" Eleazar glanced to the girl in Jasper's arms as he climbed the porch steps, and a brief flash of pity occurred before it was replaced with resignation. "She's young."

"Eighteen just a few hours ago," Jasper agreed. She would at least get that last milestone in her human life - she would turn eighteen in the human world before it was lost forever. Jasper himself had not been much older than her, a mere nineteen, but already a man in his world. A man that would have likely had a family of his own if the war had not called him away. Times had changed so much in the last hundred and fifty years.

Bella stirred slightly, and Jasper knew it would not be long before he'd need to wake her for the transformation to really take root in her. Once she started to turn pale, the transformation would be considered a success for the most part. Then she would just need to survive her heart stopping.

The entire run up he could hear her ribs and sternum crack back into place and heal. Edward had nearly killed her just with that one blow. The one blow he had done in his bloodlust and panic. How she had not died sooner with Edward's uncontrollable emotion, Jasper didn't know. But this was not the place to dwell on that. There would be an eternity to do that, now.

"We've cleaned out a few rooms for you all," Eleazar admitted, gesturing for Jasper to bring her in. Perhaps he saw her stirring as well. A perceptive man then, since it was something Jasper felt more than saw. But it was cold, and despite the jacket she wore, her body was still human. The wind had not helped, turning her cheeks and nose pink. Alice and bundled her well, but there was so little to be done. It was not even October, and the snowfall was fierce up this far north.

"We've put her on the top floor," Eleazar continued, as he shut the door. Jasper could smell smoke, from a fire burning in a fireplace. And he smelt the artificial heat of the heater. They had always lived much closer to the human instinct than even Carlisle did. With fires and sweaters and other things that even amongst themselves, made Jasper nearly need to do a double take. They accepted their nature and their human pasts. It comforted Jasper, in a way that Carlisle's coven couldn't. "Less noise and it will give her some time to adjust to all the scents that will be in the downstairs." Frequent traffic meant an irritable newborn. Jasper gave Eleazar a grateful nod, following him up the stairs.

"How long ago did you talk to Carlisle?" Jasper asked curiously.

"Only a few hours," Eleazar said quietly. "How did this happen? It is usually Carlisle that is the careful one and he cleans up one of our messes-"

"Edward," Jasper said by way of explanation.

"Ah," Eleazar said softly. As if that explained everything. As if Edward's unpredictable teen years were well-remembered amongst the covens. Jasper had heard stories. He did not need to read minds to know it was not good. "I remember it being mentioned that she was his singer. So he changed her? Unable to resist?"

"I changed her," Jasper corrected. "Edward fractured her ribs and punctured her lung when he shoved her across the room." Eleazar halted on the steps, turning to Jasper sharply in alarm. At Jasper's wry smile, he glanced down to Bella, his eyes lingering on the bruises that showed on her exposed throat, where the scarf and the top of the jacket had come apart. "She collapsed on a glass table and a piece of glass was in her artery. She received a paper cut while opening a birthday present. It sent Edward into a panic."

"I… I had no idea that… such a small thing would trigger him."

Jasper had warned the family for months that Edward was just a bomb waiting to explode. He had told Carlisle that they had to change her sooner than later, or there would be a mess on their hands. He just had hoped it wouldn't come true. "It was only a matter of time. We are just all thankful that it was with the family around, where we could tend to her quickly, rather than at her own home where Edward would not be stopped until it was too late."

"And it is still too late."

Jasper glanced down to Bella, her lips pressed into a hard line as her pain began to spike. "She wanted this life. Ever since she first learned of it. She made the final decision."

"Remarkable, that she does not cower from us, when she knows our power. I had heard of what happened in Phoenix." Jasper glanced up to see the admiration that mimicked that which he felt coming from the man. A strong feeling of protectiveness that seemed to stem from the feelings of his own family. The Denali's had offered help with the nomad issue, but Jasper had refused it saying that they would not involve other clans - they would not encourage any further foreign intervention overseas. But it seemed that Eleazar had a fondness for Bella just like he did the rest of his adopted daughters. It was something Jasper would file away for the future. All information had its uses.

The Denalis and the Cullens had that in common, at least. They all seemed to have the lost girl that needed someone to guide them. Bella would be no different. Once she realized how lonely this life was - how her father and mother would never see her again… then it would crash down on her that living forever wasn't always nice. It wasn't roses and love for eternity. It was pain and darkness and solitude.

Jasper still could see his sister's elderly face as she laid on her deathbed, recognizing the brother that had been lost decades before moments before she passed, alone. That was the moment he had recognized he'd be alone in this life.

And yet, he did not want Bella to be alone again. He had watched her fight for everything - fight for love, fight for freedom, fight for happiness.

All ruined in a single night because of Edward.

Granted she didn't want the birthday party in the first place, and it was a majority of Edward and Alice's fault for insisting to celebrate.

He was even guilty to have been excited for the event. He hadn't celebrated a birthday for anyone in over a hundred and fifty years. He didn't even know his own until he found his grave in Galveston just that summer - a project he had gone on because of Bella's sudden, out of the blue question he had overheard her ask Edward. When were their birthdays?

Bella's new room was simple, located in a tucked away corner of the third floor, with a bed, closet, and a small balcony to look out on. A great way to get fresh air so that she would not be too overwhelmed. He would need to crack the doors a tad for when she woke.

Jasper set her down on the bed, and smoothed the hair out of her face, before he began to pull off the winter gear Alice had smothered her in.

She was one of the warriors that would have made it through Maria's army. Strong will, strong spirit. And though it would have been Jasper's job to break her spirit, she would still have made it through. There was something in Bella Swan that fought for everything she wanted.

Jasper found that he, too, admired it.

"Carlisle was asking me to make sure that you called once you arrived. He seemed worried you might run into trouble." The only trouble would be if Bella took a sudden turn for the worst, or the journey was colder than they had planned. Both were very real possibilites.

Jasper gave a nod. "I'll call him. Thank you, Eleazar, for opening your home."

"You and your family would have done the same," Eleazar said warmly. There was genuine happiness radiating from him. It was nice. Jasper tried to memorize it so he could make himself feel it, but found that it was too unique of a signature to remember completely. "You had best wake her. She is going to begin the worst part of her transition."

Jasper gave Bella a look. "I'm curious about your gifts, Eleazar. Carlisle mentioned them briefly, but I wasn't too sure what he meant."

"You're an empath," Eleazar said simply. "I know, because I can see it." He jutted his chin towards Bella. "I see nothing with her. Just as Carlisle mentioned Edward cannot read her mind." Eleazar just seemed entirely intrigued by that, not the least bit annoyed, like Edward was. "Which tells me she's a shield. I met a few in my years."

"A shield," Jasper repeated. He had not heard of one, and he had seen a wide range of gifts throughout the century. From elementals to trackers to mind readers. But not a shield.

"I doubt even the Volturi's best tracker could find her if she was needed for them." Well, any way to remain out of the Kings' grip was enough for Jasper to tell him it was a very useful gift. "You can still feel her?"

Jasper gave a nod. "She's beginning to wake, becoming more resistant - harder to control her emotions, but I'm still able to completely with touch, like most of our kind." Eleazar gave a small nod in acknowledgement. "Alice can still see her, but she hasn't had any interaction with other gifts before."

"And the tracker? Could he find her?"

No, James had not been able to find her. If he had, then he would have met them at the hotel or the airport, or even on the way out of Forks. Somewhere they would least expect. Jasper had once been the hunter, had taken risks of his own life in order to acquire a target that Maria had requested. And if Jasper wasn't too sure, if he felt there was a chance he was wrong about a location, he would lure them out.

"He had to lure her out of the hotel by tricking her into believing he had her mother. He never knew her location. He knew she was somewhere in Phoenix, that was obvious, but that could have just simply been overheard with one of our phone calls or discussions." Eleazar hummed, glancing back to Bella.

"Or her shield not strong enough to entirely block him away." Eleazar shifted suddenly. "Carmen will be here in a minute. It's best she wake now."

"And the rest of your coven?"

"They'll be away until after she wakes. Carlisle said you'd approve."

Jasper felt his lips quirk into a smile. "Carlisle's a man of my own mind." Eleazar chuckled. Jasper gave a sigh, though, because he could not put off waking her any longer. The pain of the transformation was always the worst, but it was a pain they all went through. Something they all remembered.

Eleazar seemed to think that Jasper needed privacy to wake her. But all he did was place his palm on her cheek. She was still startlingly warm. Almost burning under his hand. He had not touched a human in over a century, either. And he had barely noticed in trying to calm Bella's panic earlier that night, how warm her body was. It was like he could feel the flames of the venom in her veins. He sent low waves of alertness. She stirred, but didn't wake. So he made the feeling a little stronger, and she groaned.

Stubborn, of course. "Bella, darlin', can you hear me?"

She groaned again in response. Good, that meant that she was close to being awake. He nudged her with the feeling again, this time a little stronger. And the pain came back full force, flooding Jasper's system. He choked a little at the feeling, but took a deep breath. Her eyes were staring at him, and she was holding back a scream by sinking her teeth into her lip.

She would break the skin, soon.

"Hey, darlin', we're in Alaska now," Jasper told her calmly. Bella seemed to recognize the change in location. "It's going to hurt, but are you alright?"

She didn't answer, just gave a groan in pain. Her body twisted on the bed, turning away from him, his hand leaving her. And then the moment the pain flooded her system in its entirety, she let out a scream. It was gut wrenching. It reminded him of the moment he had been able to track her down to the ballet studio to find her being tossed around by James.

He took her hand. Giving it a gentle squeeze that she probably wouldn't even notice with the pain, but something that at least gave Jasper the idea that he was helping more than he could. "Why don't you think about your memories from your life, things you really want to remember?" Jasper suggested. She sucked in a breath, her throat sounding as if it was sore and raw already and she had only just begun. "It will help. Let me help you, Bella. Let me in."

"Jasper?" Bella ground out. Jasper gave her a comforting smile. And with her eyes opening, he could tell his powers worked better in easing some of her pain. "Hey."

He chuckled. "Small talk? You need to get your priorities straight."

"I've never really had much sense." Bella squeezed the hand that was already holding hers and closed her eyes. "Think of my past."

He gave her an encouraging smile, though she could no longer see, and she gripped his hand tighter at the pain. "You're in a safe place. Do whatever you need to, if you feel it will ease the pain."

"And risk waking the neighbors?" Bella bit back a scream with a groan and Jasper could almost feel her grip, she was holding on so tightly. As if she needed an anchor to hold her onto earth, or she would surely fade away into cinders. Jasper waited for to speak again, as he could feel her amusement, despite the pain. She was always remarkably strong. But she was proving him wrong with how much so the further through the change she became. "Or does he only come around once a year in the dead of winter?"

Jasper stared at her in confusion. "Santa Claus?"

Bella giggled, but it quickly ended as she twisted nearly onto her stomach. "You don't seem to like my jokes."

"Not when I feel how much pain you're in."

"Sort of the normal, I thought."

Jasper tried something else, trying to give her as much calm as he could. "Tell me the earliest thing you can remember. And continue from there."

And so she spoke about her first time in Forks, visiting Charlie. She could only remember being about four years old at the time. But it was still remarkable how much she was able to speak for how much pain she was in. And though Jasper was easing it the best he could, she was still feeling like she was burning. Laying in an oven, or on a hot sandy beach with no relief.

She could no longer speak by the time she reached her first ballet lessons, at the age of six.

Jasper let her go, knowing that even his gift had its limits. The venom had reached her heart, and her change was now certain for at least two more days. Then it would be the final test.

He could not ease much beyond this point. He had tried with the others. And he had failed. He was not strong enough, had not stretched his ability to be that forceful on someone. He had never wanted to force someone to feel something completely. It went against every fiber in his being.

He called Carlisle, as it needed to be done.

"Jasper?"

"We made it well enough," Jasper answered the unspoken question. "She's … I woke her for a bit, and she was fine, but the venom has reached her heart."

"Good, that's very good," Carlisle murmured. "Edward is… very distraught."

"Did the staging of the accident go well?" Jasper's calculations told him that it was early morning in Forks. Charlie would notice by now, at least, that she had not returned home.

There was a moment of hesitation, and Jasper felt his eyebrow quirk in worry. If the staging wasn't believable, then this entire thing was screwed. "Yes. There was a brief visit by Sam Uley, to tell us the news. We had reacted accordingly. They seem to believe it. We told them that whenever she goes to the reservation, we cannot see her thoughts. And it looks like it… uh, triggered a phase."

"What?" Jasper demanded. "How did that trigger anything? Is the family okay?"

"No, it wasn't anyone visiting us… Jacob Black."

Jasper frowned. "Her friend?"

"He's a grandson of the last Alpha, the first time we were here." Jasper still felt it was incredibly risky for the family to move back to the same location, let alone with immortal werewolves. "It could prove to be a problem if Jacob doesn't … exactly believe that we're innocent."

"Because he thought she was going to visit him, and she wrecked," Jasper murmured in understanding. Bella Swan attracted danger to her like honey and bees. Of course her best friend was a werewolf. "Because he'll learn we're vampires. I understand."

"At least they don't know we have family up there. We'll be fine. They can't track us with vehicles." But they could catch Jasper's scent in the woods from the run. If it did not rain soon. "Jacob was understandably devastated. Alice is staying with Charlie, and Renee and her step-father are flying up tonight. We'll be getting them from the airport. The funeral will be Tuesday… You're expected to be there."

She would be awake then. Jasper glanced towards Bella on the bed, twisting and gripping the sheets of the bed tightly. Her pain made him wince every few seconds. "I will have Carmen and Eleazar bring back his family, so that she will be surrounded by people should something happen… She'll be a few days old, then, Carlisle."

"I know," Carlisle sighed. "But it's the earliest they could do at the funeral home. Esme and Alice are doing that for Charlie. Any expenses we can cover for them, we will. We don't want them to pay for one of our mistakes."

Mistakes. "How is Edward?"

"Like I said, distraught. He's…" Carlisle hesitated again, and Jasper found himself intrigued by it. Carlisle, if anyone, was careful about his words. But to hesitate completely was uncharacteristic of him. He was always certain, and in moments he was not, humble that he was at a loss. "And also quite angry with you."

"With me," Jasper stated plainly. He could believe that Edward would be that self-involved. "And I suppose he forgot that the reason we had to change her was because he shoved her into a wall and broke her ribs, sending one of them through her lung?"

Carlisle hesitated again, which was more starting to get on Jasper's nerves than anything. "He seems to have forgotten that."

"Then when he gets here, I'll do my best to remind him." Jasper wanted to step out of the room, to continue this discussion in private, but he realized quickly that Bella was not going to be eavesdropping. And even if she could, it concerned her as well. It wasn't something Jasper would venture to ever keep from her. Edward had done this, and she had to pay the price. "What does Alice see?"

"She won't say anything regarding how Edward and Bella meet. Just that it changes frequently-"

"No, what does Alice see about Bella's parents?"

"Everything's going well. It's just the wolves we need to worry about. If Jake investigates and persuades Charlie into investigating, then we'll have a bit of a problem on our hands. The staging only works if they don't do DNA and other tests." Jesus Christ. This was exactly what they had been hoping wouldn't happen.

"Make sure Jacob doesn't do that," Jasper said stiffly. "I don't care what it takes. But we have enough problems on our hands. And Bella doesn't need to wake up and find out that Charlie still thinks she's alive."

"No, I agree completely," Carlisle said quietly.

Jasper glanced to the young woman, in agony, yet unable to ease it. "I'll be there Tuesday morning. Is there school on Monday?"

"They've cancelled school until Thursday." So he would not see Edward for a while after the funeral. He had a feeling that would help Bella's transition. He was grateful that he had elected to make the rouse that Rosalie and he were twins, instead of siblings. It was so much easier, especially in times like this.

"I hope Edward will be able to control himself."

"He has assured me that he will be fine. In any case, Emmett has been watching him closely." Jasper wasn't convinced. Edward was irrational in his ideaology. With damnation and salvation his constant struggle, he was prone to bursts of childish behavior. A fanatic in his nature.

"We'll be there as soon as she wakes," Carlisle promised. "At least the children will. Esme and I may need to stay to discuss some arrangements with the Swan's."

"Of course," Jasper agreed carefully. "Eleazar has promised his home." He glanced out the window, to the snowfilled yard below. It was far enough from any home, that they would be well-suited for newborns. "We aren't going anywhere."

"I'm glad to hear it," Carlisle said with a soft chuckle. Jasper felt his nerves grate. "I'll stay in touch when Alice and the others are expected to arrive."

Jasper hung up without a goodbye, and he moved towards Bella. She was breathing hard, trying to get enough oxygen between her bursts of pain. Soon she would begin to feel it as a steady fire. Jasper nearly shattered as she screamed once more. It had been a century since he had felt this.

He had forgotten what it was like to see someone in such pain. He had forgotten how it had torn them apart and made them feel like the depths of hell had consumed them.

He had forgotten what it was like to see someone he cared for burn. Bella did not deserve this life, but if anyone would be an angel in it, it would be her.

Lord knows he was anything but.


	3. Know's everybody's disapproval

Title: Take Me To Church

Rating: M

Summary: She never wanted to celebrate her 18th birthday anyway, and she got her wish. Her and Jasper forge a bond through the blood and fire that accompanies her new life. He understands what she's going through, because he has to. And she understands him, because she listens. But nothing comes easy, and Bella has only gotten a taste of the dangers of her new world.

Disclaimer: I don't own anyone in Stephenie Meyer's universe. I simply play with them.

Warnings: Cursing, sexual scenes/situations, angst, murder.

Spoilers: Spoilers for the Twilight book and parts of New Moon/Eclipse.

Author's Notes: What is this? Two updates in the span of a week? I wrote this chapter today, in the middle of lulls between the internet and my exam studying. And I'm half in love with it? Jasper is a tortured banana, and Bella is a sarcastic beast. I want to say _thank you_ to everyone that has been reviewing and following and favoriting this story. You are all amazing and each one of your messages makes me smile. Keep up the fantastic beings that are yourself, make sure you drink some water, give yourself a smile and tell yourself that you are loved, and enjoy.

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Jasper didn't forget what Carlisle had said when Bella was needed to be changed.

 _No one in this family is stronger than you._

It gnawed at him. If that was true, if Carlisle believed it, then why did they restrain Jasper, instead of worrying about Edward? If Carlisle truly believed that Jasper was strongest… why all this built up disappointment when Jasper slipped? Why all this hidden wariness behind Carlisle when he gazed at him, not even realizing he felt it?

Jasper knew they were disappointed in him, more than the others in the family. He was not their crisp, cookie cutter child, that stepped right out of a magazine and could play nice. Jasper still remembered when he had Alice had first walked up to their doorstep. The fear and the confusion he had felt. The amusement and curiosity for Alice. But when Jasper had spoken, more fear. More confusion. More anger. More wariness.

The fear had dimmed, but it still existed. The scars still told them that he was capable of killing them all singlehandedly, if he so desired. His gift ensured that he was more distant from them than they were with the others - his gift told him when they were uncomfortable around him, so he would excuse himself from the room or the house.

Perhaps, Jasper thought, Carlisle merely meant that no one in the family could change her - had made frilly promises, or had a habit of making promises to people he didn't care for. That he was the strongest in the family, because he was the most calculating.

He didn't let himself look at things with emotion. He shut them off and observed the angles like a soldier.

He was a soldier.

They had not fought in wars. They had not fought for survival in the way Jasper had. They had not faced the possibility of death by their maker for disappointment.

If Carlisle was like Maria, Jasper would not be living today. If Carlisle based worth on how happy the vampire made him, Jasper would have been charred in front of the family years ago.

His eyes flickered up to Bella, groaning on the bed, but her lips pressed together tightly. Like she was forcing herself to keep from crying out. Like she was trying to stay hidden. If he was human, he would think she was merely having a nightmare.

But he was a vampire. And he could smell her blood burning and reacting with the venom. He could see the imperfections of her skin burn away until the scars she had gathered as her years of a human came to a close, and the pale flesh looked flawless. Only two scars remained as the night wore on - as her first day of burning came to a close.

The miniscule bite around her neck, as he tried to keep his teeth from sinking too deep and he had pushed the venom through the small opening in her flesh. It was easy to hide with a shirt, or her hair. He had been sure before he had bitten.

The other scar was on her wrist. Even now it smelled of the vampire Jasper had torn apart in Arizona, a rage filling him that he had not felt since his days in Mexico.

A rage that had terrified him more than the idea of Bella dying, more than the idea of the Volturi punishing them for keeping her alive. It was a rage that made him wonder just what beast was still caged inside - hidden by a tight coil of control and emotions. Hidden by this superficial facade he had made himself apart of.

If he was strongest, it was because he made himself seem that way.

But still, even with the way her skin changed first - a protective shell for the vampire virus to do what it needed on the inside - she did not scream. She did not scream when he knew her fingers felt like they were falling apart. She did not flinch when her fat melted from her bones. She did not cry when bones began to change next, hardening and aligning themselves in a way that any human would be in agony for weeks with.

She was proving to be the strongest that he had ever see change.

And yet, he did not know why. She was puzzling, an enigma, since the very first interaction with their kind. She did not shy away. She did not fear him as all humans did. She didn't even flinch at their speed or powers.

Isabella Swan was made for this world - she was made for being amongst vampires.

And Jasper didn't know why.

Jasper stood from his seat at Bella's side and moved towards the chair on the far corner of the room, his eyes flickering out the window to indifference as he heard steps coming up the stairs. Carmen. The hispanic woman hesitated outside the door before there was a light knock, for politeness. She didn't bother to ask if she could come in. They knew the answer.

She gave Jasper a soft smile, in greeting. "Eleazar and I are going to hunt," she spoke, and a hint of her accent reminded Jasper of home. He glanced away from outside to give her a look that conveyed he heard - that told her it was fine. "We should be back by tomorrow night."

"Take the time you need," Jasper drawled. "She's not going to be heading anywhere."

Carmen glanced to Bella, and her grip on the doorframe dropped, as her shoulders dropped. A wave of pity flowed into Jasper hard enough to make him feel like he was suffocating. Like he was being welcomed into the Cullen family again. "She is beautiful," Carmen mused. "I see why Edward is so enraptured."

"Her personality is nearly twice as intriguing as her beauty," Jasper admitted. "Wait until she wakes. She'll be a force to reckon with."

Carmen laughed softly. "With you here to for when she wakes up, I can only imagine she would be." Her eyes went over Bella in an assessing way. "Eleazar says she is a shield."

"A gift she was born with, and could use as a human," Jasper agreed. "I'm interested in just how strong she'll be when she wakes." Much stronger than him, he knew. If she was this distant with her human instincts, how far would she be removed from her newborn instincts, should pattern continue?

"Is it terrible?" Carmen asked. "Feeling her pain?"

Worse than Jasper ever remembered. "It's bearable," Jasper lied. Carmen sighed.

"You're more than welcome to join us, to take a break. I'm sure you could use some relaxation for a few hours." Jasper didn't want to leave her. He hoped that didn't show on his face at the suggestion. He always struggled with his face when he felt emotions pull him in a certain direction.

"I'm afraid that she will prove to be unusual in her transition," Jasper spoke, by way of explaining his decline. "She already does not react as most of us did. If she wakes early, I don't want her to wake alone - in an unfamiliar home."

"I understand," Carmen said softly, a warmth coming from her that Jasper didn't know what it stemmed from. He almost mistook it for happiness. But why would his statement make Carmen feel happy? He decided not to dwell on it. "We'll be back tomorrow evening, at the latest."

"Take your time," Jasper drawled out. "No use just listening to her groan if you can get away."

"If you change your mind, we'll be north, in the national park," Carmen offered. "We'll see you soon, Jasper." He dipped his head in acknowledgement. He waited until their footsteps disappeared from his range of hearing before he rose from the chair again and moved towards Bella. His hand reached out, touching her arm gently. She was warm, yet not as warm as she was.

Her blood was transitioning now, into a still river of venom. Her heart would be turning first, producing venom instead of blood. And the venom would begin to consume her human blood, until the end of the change - when her heart would stop.

Her muscles would begin to harden now, as the venom in her blood seeped through. Then the spasms would begin. He wouldn't have long. Jasper glanced to the space around her. Besides the bed, the only thing that would face her wrath would be the lamps on the nightstand. He unplugged them swiftly, moving them to the opposite end of the room, atop a dresser, and then sat beside her.

"Bella, darlin', if you can understand me, I'd like you to try and say something. Don't worry, no one can hear you but me, so if it's something filthy, I'm looking forward to it." He smirked as her own lips curved slightly, but she turned onto her side, her face burying itself into her pillows.

"Wa…" The pain was like a hiccup in her throat, and Jasper could scare hear her. She said it again. "Wa.." Edward? Water?

"Edward's in Forks, darlin'," Jasper said softly. "He'll be here in a few days. Got some loose ends to tie up. School to excel at. The usual stuff he's good at." Jasper's hand touched her shoulder, pushing her onto her back. Her eyes were squeezed shut, and her lips were spressed together again, as if holding back a scream. "But that's good. In a few minutes, you're going to start to feel like you can't control yourself, darlin'. So I'm going to hold your arms to stop you from hurtin' yourself, alright?"

"What-Whitlock." Jasper's eyebrows shot up.

The only time she had heard the name, was when she was about to be changed. Briefly, with very little explanation. She wanted an explanation. She was a demanding little creature, Jasper would give her that.

"You want to know about where I came from?" It was a question he hesitated to ask. As far as Jasper was aware, Bella knew very little about his past, and Jasper knew for certain that Edward did not say anything about the violent history of the vampires he associated with. "It's not a pretty story." But Bella let out a snort.

"Is … is anyone's?" She was doing remarkably well. Jasper couldn't help but marvel.

But he chuckled. "No, typically, we don't choose this life as you did, darlin'. You're a strange human." But Jasper contemplated what he would tell her. Afraid, with no way for him to sense her basic emotions under all the pain, he would avoid the scary things - let her see for herself when she woke what her human eyes couldn't.

He slid his hand down her arm, his throat constricting as the physical contact made her pain feel much worse. But Jasper's fingers found her own, and he held onto it tightly. He wished someone had done that for him, when he changed. "I'll tell you a little bit. The rest is best left for later." He took in a breath of her scent. Still human, with a hint of death encrusted in it. A scent of finality.

Her scent wouldn't change until the end of the second day, when her being became more venom than it did human.

But he began with the beginning, with the basics he knew she already knew. "I grew up in the South, in a lovely big state by the name of Texas. Born and bred." Jasper watched her carefully as he spoke, listening to the pounds of her heart that reminded him of war drums. And the soft pants as she held back her screams. She was a brave one. That was for sure. "My mama made sure I grew up sensible, and that included Sunday morning church every single week, and made me absorb all the information so that I could spit it back out on a street corner." Jasper watched as her brow furrowed, and Bella's throat constricted as if she wanted to say something but didn't know how to muster the strength. "That's how I got into public speaking. Wrote speeches for the whole town, for all sorts of stories that I found in the paper. And mama whipped me good when she found out that I would steal the paper from my neighbors, bright and early."

"Bad Jasper," she whispered out.

Jasper chuckled. "I stayed up late into the night reading the papers, and then I'd run out the next morning and get another. Gained quite a following, my little speeches did. And got in many a brawls for my opinions. Mama whipped me twice if I came back with a black eye. It was her way of saying she loved me." Jasper felt a fond smile break on his face, and a dangerous warmth in his chest. He continued. "But the Civil War started, and I wanted to fight. So I smooth talked my way into the enlistment office, wrote my age as eighteen, even though I wasn't, and was off to training the next week. Mama was heartbroken, but it was my civic duty to fight for my state."

Jasper paused, not because of Bella, but because of the warmth that was quickly being erased by pain. Not hers, his own. A gnawing that edged at him again. He tried to force it down. "Well, my name was Jasper Whitlock, when I was human. And I was soon Major Whitlock, the youngest in American history. Nineteen, if you'll believe it. Most nineteen year old men these days don't even know how to tie their shoes."

"Now you sound… like an old man."

"That's 'cause I am an old man, darlin'," Jasper laughed. The warmth returned for a second. "I was evacuating some people from this city when this woman came across me. Seemed loss, so me being a gentleman offered her a ride to the city. She changed me into this instead." Bella's hand gripped his tightly, suddenly, and if it was from the pain, Jasper couldn't be sure. It was like she was letting him know she was listening. A groan escaped her lips before she fell silent again. "A few decades passed, and I needed to get away from her. So I took a few allies I had made in Maria's coven, and we formed our own. The Whitlock coven. Peter, Charlotte, and myself. We stayed in the South mostly, and took a chance at life without war and fighting. It was nice for a while, but I lost myself." Jasper focused on her emotions, to will himself away from there. The dark place that made him feel like he was drowning. The memories of the lives he had claimed. "My gift isn't always so nice, so I went away on my own. I somehow wound up in Philadelphia and met Alice… I've been with the family ever since."

There were so many details left out. History left out. But Jasper wouldn't tell her that now. He would wait until she was ready for that. She didn't need to be burdened with it.

She looked like she wanted to say something, but Jasper wasn't sure what it could be.

Bella hissed through her teeth, before her eyes opened slightly to look at Jasper. Her eyes were a mix between a crimson and a brown, and looked as though she were on fire from the inside out. Jasper gave her a faint smile, but she had a determination in her gaze. She ground the words out with much effort, and very little pause between the syllables. "So you abandoned your coven?"

The words hurt Jasper more than he cared to admit. He had never felt as though they were abandoned. Peter and Charlotte wanted their alone time, too. And they kept in touch.

"It's not like that, darlin'," Jasper said patiently, not showing her how much the words affected him. Perhaps he'd make a call to them tomorrow. It had been a few years since they last talked. "They were a mated pair, that wanted some time for themselves. And I … needed to find myself. I got in a little funke. You know what that's like." He shot her a wink. She often brooded when Edward was particularly unbearable. And after James… the girl had a short span of depression until she had been pulled out of it by constantly being around the family. "We call one another often, to keep in touch. Eventually, if Alice is willin', we'd go and join them."

"Am I that unbearable?"

Jasper gave her a grin. "Not even for a second."

Bella was a funny thing, when she was in pain. He wondered if the humor would stick after the transition. He prayed to every God that would listen that it would be so. He didn't want another dry, humorless Edward. He wanted her to stay just as she was in this moment - without the pain.

"Don't change for anyone, Bella. We like you just the way you are." He wanted to make sure she remembered that. Bella's eyes squeezed shut, but there was a choked sound that left her. A laugh.

"Too late."

He snorted. But the pain escalated, and the emotion that he could grasp from her slipped out of his fingers. She began to twitch, in a little way, as if she was shivering against the cold. And Jasper pulled himself to his feet. "Sorry, Bella," he said quietly. "Hope you don't mind sharing the covers." He climbed over her, until he was behind her, and held her arms to her side gently, as if helping her pose for a photo. "It'll be over soon. Once this is over, you won't feel pain again." That much could be promised with his coven.

Jasper vowed to call Peter and Charlotte tomorrow, before the family arrived.

If Bella, who fought through fire to tell him her thoughts, suspected abandonment, he didn't want to give that doubt any ounce of truth.


	4. I should've worshipped her sooner

**Title:** Take Me To Church

 **Rating:** M

 **Summary:** She never wanted to celebrate her 18th birthday anyway, and she got her wish. Her and Jasper forge a bond through the blood and fire that accompanies her new life. He understands what she's going through, because he has to. And she understands him, because she listens. But nothing comes easy, and Bella has only gotten a taste of the dangers of her new world.

 **Disclaimer:** I don't own anyone in Stephenie Meyer's universe. I simply play with them.

 **Warnings:** Cursing, sexual scenes/situations, angst, murder.

 **Spoilers:** Spoilers for the Twilight book and parts of New Moon/Eclipse.

 **Author's Notes:** It's been far too long since I last posted a chapter, but here's one for you guys! Please enjoy, and feel free to review!

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Sometimes, Jasper appreciated having a psychic for a wife. Others, the invasion of privacy into moments that Jasper was usually very guarded about even having others listen in on… it raised his hackles and set his nerves on edge. He didn't like the spying - he had had over a century of it in Mexico with an evil woman.

But Jasper knew Alice didn't do it on purpose - she couldn't control what she saw.

He supposed that was why he trusted her - her intentions were different than Maria's had ever been - innocent.

Jasper ran his fingers over the keypad of the phone in his hand, his eyes watching Bella, feeling her emotional range locked away. Perhaps that was why he admired her strength. She could do in mere hours what had taken him decades to reign in. The anger, the pain, the fear.

He would guess she was likely terrified, having no control. He, certainly, was terrified by that prospect. He was control. Having no control over anything - it was his worst nightmare. It was why he so readily took charge when there was a crisis - gave his seasoned advice with James, could dig into his mind more than Edward ever could, because James and him had more in common than any of them would ever.

"Hope you don't mind me talking, darlin'," Jasper drawled as he pressed the dial button on his phone. "I've got a phone call I'd like to make, and I don't quite think you want to be left alone."

She didn't answer. She was past answering, which was fine. But Jasper felt a push of emotions his way - like she was shoving them towards Jasper, knowing it was the only way to communicate properly. She was a strange little thing, to know exactly how to communicate when incapacitated. To know how to focus on the emotion she wanted to project…

Approval. Amusement.

As the dial tone made its second ring, Jasper put the phone to his ear, his eyes not leaving Bella. Her muscles had spasmed for hours, her building strength had ripped the sheets and torn into the mattress and the nightstand. All things that were replaceable, of course.

Jasper's gaze flickered down to the sleeve of his shirt, torn at the seam and a travesty Alice would scold him over. He didn't care as much. Clothes were replaceable, as well.

"What did you fuck up now?" Jasper closed his eyes, feeling a brief hint of a smile touch his face. Charlotte. She wasn't as fond of Jasper, as Peter was, but Jasper supposed that was how all sibling relationships varied. There was a level of likeness between a brood. Jasper certainly liked Emmett more than Edward.

"Fortunately, I had nothing to do with the event this time," Jasper spoke slowly. "My eyes are still that strange gold color y'all think's so weird." His eyes darted to the mirror above the dresser, partially blocked by the two lamps, but Jasper could see enough of his eyes. "Well," he amended. "Slightly red around the edges, but gold."

"Another step back to the old ways for you?" Charlotte asked curiously. Jasper hummed, not in agreement, but just to acknowledge he heard her question. He shifted in his seat, in a very human way, and crossed his leg over the other.

"Do you remember that human, that Edward's been dating? Bella? I mentioned her briefly last we talked, but-"

"Ah, yes," Charlotte said carefully. "Though I wouldn't call it talking. A message conversation on these phones about a few changes in finances, if I recall correctly." And she always did. They all always remembered exactly. "And you … killed her?"

"Changed her," Jasper spoke. "Edward got careless, nearly killed her. She would have died if I had not."

There was silence, and Jasper almost wondered if the spotty connection in the Alaskan wilderness had broken. But the phone was passed within a second to another. "Are you tellin' me that you've got a changing vamp on your hands right now? Are you even young enough anymore to do that?"

Jasper rolled his eyes. "She's fine. She's almost changed. I've been handling vampires much more dangerous than her for longer than you've even been alive, Peter. I'm mostly just calling to…" The words were ones that Jasper did not often say, "To make sure you guys are okay."

"Shit, is Carlisle pissed at you?" Peter asked suddenly. "He was always an asshole about the humans-"

"No," Jasper interrupted. "No, I changed her with agreement from him." Jasper felt the pain flood him so sharply that he flinched. "She chose this life."

"Then why are you… calling?" Peter said slowly. "You usually only call to check in on us when Carlisle makes you feel like shit." Perhaps that was true. Perhaps Jasper hadn't even realized it, but now that Peter had made a point to say it, what Bella had said combined with Peter's words… Jasper felt even worse.

"It's been a while," Jasper found himself lamely explaining, his smooth voice only providing a backbone to the phrase that the words themselves lacked. Jasper didn't know much of what to say. Which was ridiculous. This was his family - the only family that Jasper knew would understand and accept every part of him. That wouldn't judge him for a slip up or his decisions. That would follow him to the ends of the earth.

"Yeah, about five years." Jasper knew. He knew to the exact hour. Right after he had… no, he wouldn't think about that now. He wouldn't project his grief onto Bella. He wouldn't risk that. "We're fine. Still at the ranch, laying low. Char just got back from Dallas this morning." Was it morning? Jasper glanced to the window, seeing that there was a faint glow. Dawn, in northern Alaska. "Even she's starting to miss you."

To miss him. Jasper straightened slightly. "I'm thinking of visiting, once Bella's got some control. I'm not quite sure I trust Carlisle's methods of raising newborns… and if she slips at all-"

"You should be there," Peter agreed. "No, I agree. You know you don't need to go out of your way to visit us. We don't change much."

"It's been twenty years. I'd like to be home again, I think. I miss the sun." It was true. Jasper missed Texas desperately. He hadn't been given a chance to get away on an extended trip in… in a long time. He almost couldn't believe how long it was. "But I'll keep in touch more. I've been… lousy at keeping in touch. I'm sorry."

"Are you sure everything's alright?" Peter asked warily, as if unsure how to press. Jasper was sounding strange. Too… warm. Too human. The Cullen's had beat that into him - gently, of course, with encouragement and praise. Bella had been a reason why it mattered so much recently. Alice was Bella's best friend, and Jasper was Alice's … well, Jasper wasn't sure what exactly he was to Alice.

But he was apart of the family, at least, however distantly.

"Everything's fine… considering. I'm in Alaska at the moment. With Carlisle's friends. Another ex-Volturi."

"Oh?" Charlotte asked suddenly. Jasper did not realize he was on speaker.

"He sees gifts," Jasper explained. "One other in the coven can shock with her touch. I've been told it's quite powerful if she wants it to be." But Jasper didn't care much for their gifts. It wouldn't make them any harder to take out if he needed.

He always had that backup plan. Always had that escape, just in case there was ever a moment he needed it - ever a chance he needed to escape. If Edward ever rose, or if Eleazar challenged the Cullens, feeling threatened… if the wolves ever found them and they chose to fight instead of flee - "I want you to know, that when I left all those years ago… I left because… I was at a low. Not because I didn't want to be around you anymore. I didn't intend to abandon you."

More silence, this time lasting longer than the first. "You're not going to do anything stupid, are you? You're not thinking of a funeral pyre or anything, right, Major?"

"Of course not," Jasper said immediately, the shock in his tone enough to tell them that he hadn't even considered it. That was what they thought? Jasper shifted again, watching as Bella's fingers clutched the mattress, tearing into the fabric and digging into the springs with little effort on her part. "I was just reflecting and … did not consider your feelings in the matter. Have not, until now. And for that, I'm sorry."

"You know, Major, for being an empath, you're shit at sounding sincere." Jasper felt sincere. Just… uncomfortable. He did not do this - he did not talk like this. All because of a handful of words from a girl that had only become his responsibility a few days ago.

 _So you abandoned them_.

He knew why it bothered her so much. If he had abandoned his coven - his family - what stopped the Cullens from doing the same to her when things got hard? She always had that insecurity, lingering in the background, hanging around her when she was around Edward. She always felt inadequate. She always felt like one day they'd leave and she would stay behind with no choice of her own. If Jasper could do it - who as far as she knew him to be faithful… what stopped those she thought she knew turning on her?

But it prickled at Jasper's own insecurities, too. He hated disappointing others - and if Peter and Charlotte were the offended party, the disappointment was infinitely worse than that of Carlisle's. "I am sincere," Jasper spoke. "Just not the best at expressing it." He would give the prick that. "I… heard that Mexico's been quiet."

"We're keeping our eyes on things. So far, so good." Good. If Maria started up again… Jasper knew where he would go. He knew who he would leave behind to put an end to Maria, if he could. And he would not welcome the family to join him. It wasn't a place for vampires that wanted to play house - and couldn't even fathom war. "If there's any news, you'll be the first we contact."

Jasper knew. "There are a few contacts I have in Mexico that are watching, too. If I hear anything first, I'll tell you." Jasper flexed his hand on his phone. "Have you traveled recently?"

"Not in a few years. Char and I are thinking about a trip north, Canada, for some fresh meat. I hear they taste like something wonderful up there." Jasper couldn't offer any comparisons. He hadn't fed that far north, in his life. "A nomad stopped by a few months ago, came across us, got curious. No trouble. Revolution era, from what he'd say. Think you'd like him. Goes by Garrett if you ever come across him." Jasper would remember. "Talked all soldier-y too, Major."

"I don't talk all soldier-y."

"Sure, Major. We didn't have a discussion about defenses ten years ago, then." That was different. That was for their safety. Jasper said nothing to refute it, though. Peter always knew how to make a point. "But you are… okay, then?"

"You're too concerned about me."

Jasper's words were pointed, and he could practically feel Peter's grin on the other end. "Someone's got to be." Jasper had Alice for that. "The girl. Bella… is she almost done, then? Or still a few days to go?"

"Tonight," Jasper answered. "Her funeral is Tuesday. Her friends are immortal werewolves that kill our kind to protect their people. You can't imagine the fun I'm having."

The stress and anxiety that tore at Jasper to plan for every contingency. "Jesus. This girl doesn't fuck around, does she?" Charlotte stated. No, Bella did not. And she didn't even know half of the mess she had mixed up in. She wouldn't, until she was controlled enough in emotion not to run to Forks to lament over her best friend being another supernatural being. Jasper couldn't risk the wolves retaliating against the family. He hated the thought of keeping such an important secret from her.

"Anyway," Jasper said, pulling the conversation away from the wolves. She might even be able to hear the conversation with her growing heightened senses. "I also just wanted to say that … my phone's always on. I should make more phone calls."

"Yeah," Charlotte agreed. "But you're also busy sucking on a deer's neck, so don't inconvenience yourself too much." Jasper snorted. "Hang up now, Major, before you get too redundant and we call your leader to make sure he evaluates your mental health."

"Love you too, Char." Jasper waited only a second before the phone went dead. He took a deep breath, isolating Bella's pain as it consumed him once more. And he rose to his feet, setting his phone aside. "Bella? It's only a few more hours. I promise, darlin'."

Relief. He could feel it be pushed towards him. And curiosity. Jasper sat next to her, taking her hand. A death grip greeted him, and it was a welcoming show of discomfort, that leveled off with where she felt. He flexed his fingers slightly, the pain something he hadn't felt for a while. "Think about something, darlin'. It'll help. Think about what the sunset looked like in Phoenix. Or how obnoxious your mama's laugh is. Your papa's favorite fishing spot."

She could only focus on it for a second, before the pain consumed her. But the curiosity was still there. Curiosity for what, Jasper wasn't sure.

His phone beeped. They were four hours away.

"Did you know that Alice and I weren't exactly welcome when we first joined the Cullens?" Jasper suddenly spoke. The curiosity peaked. Ah, she wanted him to talk about himself. More about his story. He'd indulge her, a little bit. "I'm used to being in charge, if you haven't noticed, darlin, so when we show up, Carlisle and I had a bit of a pickle to work through. I had to learn to step down, and he had to learn how to control the coven more tightly."

There was a question. And the curiosity got the best of her when he discussed the leadership challenge. "As leader of my own coven, joining another as a subordinate was difficult. I started off not only worried about keeping Alice safe, but keeping myself safe, and making sure no one could overpower me in a fight. It's instinct, to protect your girlfriend as a vampire. Once I started to trust their intentions in letting us join, and listen to Alice's gift, I stepped back a tad. Sometimes it's nice not to be in charge for a little while. Someone's it's nice to just sit back and observe. And not worry as much. They know in a moment, if I wanted, this coven could be mine and I could be in charge. It would take seconds for me to force my hand for power. But I do enjoy the peace. The averageness - the life they can give me, even if it's boring. Carlisle acts with his best intentions, even if they're not always right." Jasper gave her a wry smile, though she couldn't see. "It's sort of like an alpha wolf and a budding alpha - only the budding alpha's in charge and the seasoned alpha is just waiting for a moment to strike that won't make the entire pack vulnerable. Only, I have no intentions of taking over - there is no benefit to me. What else would you like to know?" He asked it, almost intending her to answer aloud, but quickly continued. "What Peter and Charlotte are like? My human life?"

Peter and Charlotte were more of an interest, which Jasper couldn't help but smirk at. Peter would have been ecstatic at that sentiment from the woman.

"Peter is more trouble than he's worth, but he's alright. He is very loyal, and if he owes you a favor, he'll pay it. And interest, if it's a while before he can." Jasper hummed as he thought. "Charlotte's every bit the troublesome, fiery red-head you need to keep him in line. She enjoys keeping a healthy distance between us. Easier to snap at us with." Jasper felt her amusement. Her gratitude. She winced suddenly, and her pain triumphed it. She choked out a cry. Jasper's hand clutched hers, on instinct. As some offer of comfort. "We have a little farm house in Texas. Well, it used to be mine, back in the day, when I was human. But now it's been forgotten in the woods for the better part of a century." He didn't know what else to say, about Peter and Charlotte. Most of the pair required observation rather than second-hand accounts. "Peter's got a gift. He likes to push his nose into other people's business. He knows things, sometimes. Like gut feelings something or someone will pass through, or happen. Charlotte's gift is her sharp tongue."

But her pain was mounting. Jasper knew she was close. His grip on her hand tightened, to the point of vampire strength, but her grip back was even tighter. It would be a matter of six hours, perhaps a few more. She would wake within the night. "I'm sorry, darlin'. It'll be over soon. I know it. By sunrise."

And so they were silent, him listening to her heart stuttering in her chest, trying and failing with his gift. He didn't know why he was trying so hard - but he had never cared so much about a human that was changing. Bella was a member of his coven - a member of their coven. It was more than the other humans were at the time.

Sometime later, Jasper pressed the heels of one of his palms to his eyes, and attempted to take a deep breath. But his lungs would not work. The pain was so intense, it was like his brain had stopped functioning. He needed to step away for a moment, but not until Carlisle got here.

He checked his phone with a constricted breath. Less than an hour. Not even a few minutes later, he could hear the sound of feet in the forest. They were here.

"Bella, darlin', I'm going to go downstairs for just a few minutes, and I'll be right back. But Carlisle's here, to keep an eye on you. And Alice." She felt apprehension - which took Jasper aback. "Edward's still in Forks with Esme," he felt the need to explain. "There are some things that need tying up." But her apprehension didn't go away. "But I gotta feed for ya, darlin', and soon, to be back in time for when you wake up. I don't wanna miss the newborn's first words."

Her apprehension faded slightly. She squeezed his hand tightly, and then released it, curling onto the bed and burying her face in the pillow. The features from the pillows she had torn at in her pain … they were gone. "But that means that the pain's going to be worse for a couple hours. I'm sorry, but my gift doesn't go that far-" But she seemed to know that. She seemed to be bracing herself for it. "Just do what you need to let it out. Don't worry about breakin' anything. Alright?"

She seemed to be alright. He stepped away from her. The pain mounted and he stumbled slightly. "I'll be back, darlin', don't worry. And Carlisle will be here while I'm gone."

By the time he went downstairs, to greet them, they were just stepping onto the porch. Carmen and Eleazar seemed to have heard their arrival, as well, as Carmen was already opening the door, letting in a gust of fall air. "Carlisle, Alice, Emmett… Oh, Rosalie, there you are." Rosalie stepped from behind Emmett. "Come in. Please, make yourselves at home."

Carlisle's eyes immediately flitted to Jasper, and then to the ceiling as they all heard a cry in pain. Jasper's grip on the bannister tightened. "Using my power for three days has put me in for a hunt," Jasper spoke. "I told her Carlisle would stay with her, but I'm sure she wouldn't even notice at this point."

"I'll go with you," Alice spoke up. "She won't wake up until three minutes after it starts to rain, so we have plenty of time."

Jasper nodded. "Of course," Carlisle spoke up. "I should check on her. Eleazar-"

"The less scents that are in her room when she wakes, the better. Slow introductions," Jasper spoke, putting Carlisle' attempt to talk to Eleazar down. "I won't be long, and then we can discuss what the plan is."

"We'll be forty five minutes," Alice said brightly. "Which gives us about three and a half hours to talk after."

"That sounds fine to me," Eleazar admitted. "We can wait as long as we need. It's best we come up with a solution together on how to get her to be acclimated to such a large group. Not even the Volturi change those with so many nearby." Jasper tensed slightly at mention of the Volturi.

"I'll be back, then." Jasper ducked out the door without another word, Alice behind him.

"We should head east. There is a group of moose heading this way." Something big. It would be enough to fill him up for a little while - to over fill him. The more he drank now, the less out of control during Bella's hunt he'd be. They followed Alice's direction, heading east into the forest and soon into complete silence.

There were no words until after Jasper had drained an entire moose dry, and Alice had settled for a mountain lion nearby. As he rubbed snow on his face, to wash the blood away, she turned to him.

"I wanted to come with you to hunt… because there's something we need to talk about." A vision. Jasper apprehensively stared at her.

"Is this about Bella's change?"

"No," Alice admitted. "Just something that's needed to be said for a while, I think we can both agree. This… was fun while it lasted. But… we both know that there are others out there better suited for us."

And then he felt it. The sadness. The resignation. "What have you seen?"

"You're going to be really happy," Alice said softly. "We both are, but with others. We always knew that." They had. Their companionship had been… nothing more than that. Someone to be with them, after being alone for a while. Someone that could know everything about the other and not be judged for it. Someone to build them up and be strong enough to move on from one another. But Jasper did not know it would be today - did not know it would be so soon.

But she was right. If it was time for her, then it was time for them both. They couldn't wait around forever for some sign that it was the moment to say goodbye. Though, Jasper reasoned, it wasn't goodbye. They were still of the same coven.

"You'll always hold a special place in my heart," Jasper drawled. "You'll be my little meddling angel, always."

Alice wrinkled her nose to hide back her laughter, and to convey how much she hated it when he called her that. "I'll always love you, Jazzy," she finally said. "But this isn't goodbye. This is just… tying up some loose ends that have been dragging in the dirt for years. When Bella wakes up, this family will be starting a new chapter. And the more we can put in the past… the better." Jasper nodded in agreement. "A lot's going to change… And I wish I could tell you, but … I can't." He understood. Alice usually was open to him about what she saw. And when she couldn't, there was always a good reason. "You'll know soon enough. And the moment I can tell you… I will. But I don't want you to run away."

"Run away?" Jasper shifted slightly, surprised. "Why would I run? This is where I live."

"I know," Alice said quietly. "But I saw you running to Texas. Running because… you got scared."

"Is there a threat coming?"

"No," Alice said with a bright smile. "Not at all. In fact, I don't see any threats coming or popping up for a long, long time." He relaxed slightly. And she smiled softly, after a second. "Good. No more running." He rolled his eyes in amusement. "So that means we need to break the bond before we go back."

Now? But Alice knew best. Jasper gave a small nod in agreement. Whatever Alice saw, she reacted accordingly. She stepped closer to him, and before he knew what was happening, she spit into her hands. The saliva pooled there, a murky white of burning venom, and Jasper clenched his teeth onto her neck in an instant. In the precise way that he had done over sixty years ago. The claiming bite. He pulled away and she pressed her saliva filled hand against the open wound on her neck before it could heal.

Roles reversed, they did the same to his own neck, sealing Alice's bite with very little conversation about it with Jasper's own venom pressed against his own neck. And that was that. He reached for snow, and used it to rub the remaining venom from his hands and neck.

"We should head to the house. Bella will be waking up soon." It would rain soon. Jasper could smell it in the air.

Getting closer to the house, Jasper could feel a ring of anxiety around his chest loosen. He had not even realized it was there, but once he did… tried to get rid of it quickly. Within a hundred feet of the property, he nearly fell to his knees with the pain that slammed into him.

"Jasper?" Alice asked worriedly.

"I'm fine," Jasper ground out. His hands clenched against the tree he had stumbled into, his eyes squeezed shut. He focused on numbness, and projected it to the upstairs bedroom of the house. He wasn't very successful, but he could at least get a grip on himself.

"Come on. She'll be waiting for you to come back. I don't think she'll take well to broken promises." But there was a hint of amusement from Alice, a hint of… something. Perhaps just a hint. Jasper didn't feel like figuring it out. He was trying to concentrate too hard.

Walking up the stairs, and opening the front door, the pain mounted to twice what it was at the treeline. His gift also worked just a little better, but not entirely. Carlisle appeared at the top of the steps, and Jasper made eye contact with him.

"Let's talk in the living room," Alice spoke up suddenly. "We need to all be ready when she wakes up." Carlisle was down the stairs in a second.

"What do you see?"

"I see… a lot of things. Which is why this is the best option." If there was one thing that Jasper found he liked about Alice - she didn't give people many options.

"Care to elaborate for the rest of us?" Rosalie asked.

Carlisle sighed, but agreed, taking a seat in the sitting room. Jasper opted to stand. He could focus easier when he stood. He felt more comfortable when he stood.

Alice started. "The best course of action is to introduce her to our scents slowly. She's used to Jasper and Carlisle's scents. But even then it could be disorienting at first. I get mixed visions of her reactions. She might attack at first, but in other instances she just behaves normally."

"So one at a time," Eleazar prompted.

"Yes. Jasper and Carlisle first. Then I see Rosalie is best next. Then Emmett. I'll go next. The Denali coven will be… more difficult. She'll need to be calmed down first. If she's agitated, she won't react well-"

"I can take care of that," Jasper said. "I still have a good grip on her, so I don't think her shield will affect my power when she wakes."

"Good," Alice admitted. "I was worried that… might not be the case. But good. That makes everything easier. Tanya first. Eleazar. Kate. Carmen. Irina. That's the best order I have. If anything changes, I will let you know but… that's what I see right now."

"Will there be any difficulties?"

"She's going to be different. And disoriented. But… she's going to be better than most newborns. Her instincts won't be as much of a problem to control as many of ours were." Carlisle was relieved with that. Jasper wondered why. Could he not contain another one that was slightly wild?

But the sudden bitterness that Jasper felt surprised him. He blamed it on the fact that he had been going through the change with Bella for three days - he was not in the best of moods. And with Alice…. He had not had the best day in the world. Or week.

"She is going to need a little bit of space after introductions. To just readjust, calm down. And then Jasper will take her hunting."

"Shouldn't a few more go, just in case there's a human-" Emmett started.

"She trusts Jasper right now - her instincts recognize him as her maker," Carlisle admitted. "So even though she knows who we are, she will feel more at ease with him than with us."

"Carlisle's right. She'll prefer Jasper's company to ours, until she acclimates. And soon it'll wane."

"I knew what I was getting into when I bit her," Jasper said tensely. "This isn't my first newborn." A few flickers of remembrance went around to the others. Wariness again. He shouldn't have brought up Maria. But it was too late. "I'll take her hunting in the east wood. If there's still moose out there, she will have a good first meal. The more she drinks tonight, the better tomorrow."

Alice hesitated. "That means, though, that when you guys get back tonight, we need to leave to get to the funeral." Damn. He had forgotten. "I see her being comfortable being left mostly alone in her room." Alice directed this towards Carmen and Eleazar, Tanya, Irina, and Kate. "She won't want to explore. She'll want to just get a handle on herself."

"I'll be back Tuesday night," Jasper said, quietly.

"So will we," Emmett spoke up. "Rosie and I don't have ties in Forks to deal with. We'll be here, for back up, if it's needed."

"That would be great," Jasper admitted. "While I think the Denali's can hold their own… the more people she's familiar with restraining her… will probably lead to less limbs lost."

"And heads," Emmett grinned. Jasper shot him a look. "What? Everyone's so tense. No one's dying."

"Emmett," Rosalie huffed. "Bella _is_ dying."

"But not really. She'll be better than ever. I bet she's going to be killer at baseball-"

"To Charlie, Bella's dead. Which means that we have to behave appropriately. For us, she's alive. But if anyone figures it out, if anyone catches wind of what's going on, or suspects… anything, the Volturi will kill all of us." Jasper didn't mean to sound so tense. But the way his words were ground out conveyed how much his so called gift was a curse at that moment. He took a careful breath. "We can't play around with this. Now we have wolves on our case-"

"We'll deal with the wolves," Carlisle said instantly. "It won't be an issue."

"If it is, you know where I stand." Jasper left no room for deals and treaties. Treaties were words that could be broken. That were broken. He fought to ensure lasting victory. Word couldn't be broken when the other party was dead. But threats didn't persist with them eliminated. "We have an entire school year left, with a divide in the coven. We'll need to plan mobility. Frequent hunts will be noticed by the wolves. And if her scent travels with any of you once…"

"Which is why visits will be minimal," Alice said strongly. "Enough to keep in touch, but more than once a month is… it will be dangerous."

"Edward won't like that," Rosalie observed.

"Edward doesn't seem to like this. She won't be Bella for the first few months, at least. So he won't be missing … much of her. He'll have more issue with her scent than anything."

"Is it different?" Rosalie asked.

"It doesn't smell like blood anymore, for one," Jasper agreed. "For him having an issue with it before, he might need a few minutes to … get used to it. She doesn't smell human, that's for sure."

"Good, that means that she's a vampire." Jasper snorted as Emmett's sass. Rosalie still smacked his shoulder.

"If she does attack anyone," Alice said after a minute of silence, "It will be Edward."

"That makes sense," Jasper said before there could be apprehension. "He did attack her." Alice agreed with a nod, and there was a small smile there. Warmth and happiness. Jasper couldn't find why. But the others, there was still a brief spasm of unease. Jasper was fine, with them being wary about him… but for some reason, being wary of Bella, who was more likely to have a murdering shadow than hurt anyone herself… it rubbed him the wrong way.

As many things did.

She would have been changed regardless. This would still have been a possibility, regardless, and the fact that they treated this as if she was a threat to them, more so than a threat to others… Newborns were strong, but instinctual. Any attack would be easy to predict. And deflect. But Jasper trusted that she wouldn't hurt anyone.

If he didn't trust her, no one would. Least of all Edward, who was likely lamenting her soul and blood loss.

Jasper didn't buy a lot of what they claimed. Because he could feel how they truly felt. No one could lie with their emotions. A cry sounded from the ceiling.

"Jasper, you should go back up there. She'll wake up in an hour." Jasper glanced between them all, giving a nod. He would be able to hear the conversation down here, anyway. He was gone a second later, up the stairs. The room smelled of Carlisle, first. But the scent didn't get near Bella, who was in agony on the bed. There were more pillows around the room, torn fabric, than the last he had seen in here. But she choked on her voice mid-cry, and seemed to relax just slightly. Jasper's power was at the strongest he could go - the most he had ever used. It made his entire body hurt.

But he was confused by the scent. Carlisle's stopped at the doorway, hovered near it, and didn't come further into the room. It was as if Carlisle made no attempts to comfort her, which went against everything that Jasper knew of his compassionate persona.

Carlisle had changed four others in his life. Did they all suffer alone without him nearby? Feeling like they were dying with no explanation as to why?

Jasper didn't entertain the thoughts often, about Carlisle's shortcomings. But here, with the rare chance that Edward wasn't nearby to hear… he let them run rampant.

"Jasper?" It was whispered.

He pushed Carlisle from his mind. And approached Bella, sitting on the edge of the bed and taking her hand in his own. Her pain numbed quickly, so that it was not as bad. Still unbearable for anyone, but nothing like it had been. "Hey, darlin'. Told you I'd be back."

"When will… over?" She sounded like she was panting for breath.

"You got one more hour left," Jasper said quietly. "Alice's downstairs. You know she's got the exact second already, but she likes to keep us in suspense." She groaned, her fingers tearing into the springs, bending the metal into the shape of her hand. Jasper let her ride out the wave of pain, until she was comfortable again.

"Your guess?"

"Soon. Next half hour, maybe." She hiccuped in a breath. "It won't be long. And then you won't feel anything like this again."

But she wasn't done. "Will it… hurt?" It seemed like she was desperate for an answer. Like she needed to know to prepare herself.

Jasper couldn't lie. "Yes. A lot worse than anything you've felt these last few days. You'll wish that the change never happened - you'll wish that you were dead. Everyone does. And then you do die. It's the pain of your heart stopping, your organs dying one by one… It will hurt a lot."

There was fear. A heavy dose that made Jasper swallow. And her hand tightened on his own, painfully. She already had her strength. She was nearly ready. She would start to slowly die on the inside within a few minutes. Maybe even less.

"But I'll… be okay?"

"You're going to be brand new." She didn't relax.

"How do you know?"

"I've changed a lot of vampires back in the day. Thousands of vampires. Trained them to be in a vampire army. And not one has been able to do what you are right now. So I think you're going to be just fine." The fear ebbed a little. "I spent a hundred years doing that. You could call me a newborn expert."

"Promise?" It was whispered. Jasper hesitated. He couldn't promise. Because she could very easily die. He knew that it was there, in one of Alice's many visions, as a possible outcome. And it seemed that his hesitation was noticed. But … but she was strong. Stronger. So Jasper did something that he rarely ever did, but had done at least twice in the last three days, that he could recall. He made a promise.

"I promise on my mama's life."

"Your mom's probably dead, isn't she?"

Jasper found himself smirking. "She is. Then I promise on my own life."

But it seemed in that moment, the process was beginning. Her pain steadily climbed, mounting and pulsating into Jasper's own body with no remorse. He could not even breathe, it felt as if there was a crushing weight on his lungs. Her grip on his hand was tight, and painful, and he could hear his own skin cracking with the force. If he had pulled away, he had no doubt his hand would have come off with the motion. So he stayed put, swallowing his own pain, and hers. And listened to her complete the change. He shouldn't have gotten so close, but he was rusty, he reasoned - rusty in that he was forgetting his own instincts to comfort a member of the coven.

She screamed. And screamed. And screamed.

Until Jasper heard it. Her heart was giving slow, uneven beats that were slowing in rhythm. Carlisle made his way up the stairs, at Alice's quiet request.

And then with a final scream, gut wrenching and painful just to listen to, her heart completely ceased beating. Jasper held his breath. Bella was still, her hand slack in his own. He didn't dare pull away, for fear of triggering a response. Her hand felt like flames in his own.

She was listening, assessing her surroundings with her eyes closed, and listening as the world seemed to come alive all at once. Carlisle's steps paused at the doorway, and Jasper watched her carefully as the door opened. He could see the twitch of her eyelid, the way her nostrils flared. It was his only warning.

Suddenly her eyes opened, and Jasper reacted just as she did. She had taken a breath in her defensive instincts, and it seemed she did not like what she smelled. Because she was going straight for Jasper's throat. He managed to deflect, getting to his feet to give himself an advantage and blasted her with calm, but she was too quick, getting her arms around one of his own, and throwing him to the ground. Hard. He was sure the floor broke.

But before he could even plan on his next move, she stopped, and loosened her crushing grip on him. Horror flooded her. And therefore, flooded Jasper.

Crimson eyes met his own gold, and she looked more like a frightened lion than a fearless newborn. But it was done. She had passed the final test - she was a vampire.


	5. If the heavens ever did speak

**Title:** Take Me To Church

 **Rating:** M

 **Summary:** She never wanted to celebrate her 18th birthday anyway, and she got her wish. Her and Jasper forge a bond through the blood and fire that accompanies her new life. He understands what she's going through, because he has to. And she understands him, because she listens. But nothing comes easy, and Bella has only gotten a taste of the dangers of her new world.

 **Disclaimer:** I don't own anyone in Stephenie Meyer's universe. I simply play with them.

 **Warnings:** Cursing, sexual scenes/situations, angst, murder.

 **Spoilers:** Spoilers for the Twilight book and parts of New Moon/Eclipse.

 **Author's Notes:** And so it begins.

* * *

 _Part II: Vampire_

He smelled of pain and fear and loathing and anger. So many scents of people she didn't know, threats she couldn't see, lying on her back with her eyes closed. And he was too close. Her mind screamed at her to get away, or to defend herself. Because this male, this vampire, was dangerous - would kill her. Had killed others.

She could smell death on him like a stale cologne.

A creak of the floorboards, and she felt panic cease her. Unwelcome and too fast to ignore, panic. She opened her eyes and was moving. She would have to defend herself, an initial defense to give her time to get out of here. She went for the throat that was right in front of her. Her hands reached out, her nails in a clawing position, but the man knocked her arms aside.

Instead of fear, she felt something hit her. An invisible blow that made her stagger just slightly, but she had to make it out alive. If she didn't… she didn't want to die.

She was facing off against a fighter, with an advantage. She swerved out of the way, changing her attack last minute, and grabbed his hand, twisting his arm and throwing him to the ground with enough force to shake the house. She could hear splintering wood, underneath him.

The scents filled her head and there was panic in her that maybe she was outnumbered. Her hand reached for his throat.

Then her mind caught up with her actions. And she blinked, the panic fading as she recognized the vampire under her. Jasper? But he didn't look like how she remembered. There were scars littering every inch of his face, in crescent shapes that looked like her own wrist, just at the bottom of her vision, inches from his throat. She pulled her hand back sharply.

"Jasper?" she asked quietly. Her eyes widened at her voice. It was… different. Softer? Sultry. But she quickly got off of him, falling onto the floor. "I'm so sorry." She had attacked him - had been planning on hurting him so she could run. "Oh my God, are you okay?"

He was grinning. "I'm just fine. That was some fine fightin', darlin'." Her eyes looked him over, to make sure he wasn't hurt. And then she glanced down at herself, to the paleness of her skin and the way it was smooth. There were no freckles or what others considered imperfections. She was… she was practically …. As Jasper had said she would be - brand new. "You alright?"

She glanced up sharply, but caught movement out of the corner of her eye at the same time. She was on her feet in an instant, and in the corner behind the bed. Another person. It took her a second to calm down enough to recognize him. "Carlisle."

"Remarkable," Carlisle murmured. "Bella, this is astounding."

She frowned. "What is?"

"You're able to resist instinct." Jasper slowly got to his feet, as if he didn't want to move too quickly. "Sorry about my scent. Throws a lot of people off the first time they get a whiff." She couldn't smell … just one scent from him. There were so many. "You sure you're okay? You're going to be disoriented for a minute. So just relax and try to take a deep breath around you."

She took a deep breath. And the many scents around the room flooded her senses, making her see many different things in her head. An animal - large, that ate grass. She couldn't be sure exactly, as she didn't recognize the animal, but definitely large. It was on Jasper. And ice - the bitter cool scent of frozen water. And then there was warmth. Many scents that swirled around Carlisle as well, but not as permanently. Lingering. Traces. Like he had been touched, and the perfume followed.

Then there were a handful of other things. Like wood, and feathers. And dust. There was a lot of dust.

She sneezed. And Jasper's smirk grew.

"You'll get used to it." So this was normal. But she didn't recognize this place. The window was iced and cold. The last she remembered… Forks. It was surrounded by forest. This forest was snow covered. It wasn't right. And she remembered why after she frowned slightly.

Alaska. They were in Alaska.

"I've never been to Alaska before."

"Much different than a desert," Jasper agreed. "What else do you remember?"

Bella wracked her brain. "I fell on glass. No… No, I was pushed." Jasper gave a slow nod as she glanced up for confirmation. "You bit me… because of some treaty."

"We'll explain everything else eventually," Carlisle spoke calmly.

Bella swallowed and her spit tasted… clean. Like she had a mouthful of water. "I didn't know you had a house in Alaska."

"We don't," Carlisle said carefully. She stared at him, and he looked her over, in a medical sort of way. Like he was making sure that she was all put together and parts of her weren't missing. She wondered if she looked like she had burns. But what she had seen of her arms… no, she hadn't. "This is a friend of ours, a sister coven… The Denalis. They follow the same diet as we do."

"It's nice." She blinked slowly, and swallowed again at the venom that pooled in her mouth. It was still a strange texture that she wasn't used to. She breathed, and caught the strange mix of scents that permeated from Jasper. "Why is your scent like that?"

"Every bite carries a scent. A bite injects venom, so it leaves an impression behind. Subtle, but you can smell better than many others right now. Once you become mute to it, it'll be less abrupt."

"So… I'll smell like you?"

"Not really, darlin, but yes, too." Jasper's answer didn't really give her a concrete answer. But she glanced down at her arm, where she remembered the glass sticking out of her arm. "It's all been healed." She could see that. She lifted her arm slightly, feeling it with her fingers to the smooth skin. She felt warm.

Her eyes jumped in surprise, questioning and Carlisle answered. "We are warm to each other, but cool to beings that run a warmer temperature than us." She considered that. It made sense. She could feel a slight bump where she remembered the glass being. A scar, but so miniscule she couldn't really see it. She raised her arm up and gave it a soft sniff.

It did smell, faintly, of Jasper, but not enough to really make much of a difference. Otherwise, she smelled of nothing more than air. At least, to her. She wondered if her scent was the same as when she was human.

Bella blinked up at them a second later. "Why do you look like I'll attack you both?" Jasper's smirk grew. "Besides… besides what I already did."

"Sometimes, instincts take over and you feel threatened, so being cautious is best at first," Jasper admitted. "How do you feel?"

"Weird," Bella said quietly. "I feel … different."

Jasper shifted slightly. "Would you like to see yourself?" Did she look different? She nodded, hesitantly, and Jasper stepped towards a door, pulling it open. A bathroom with a mirror. He left the light off, but gestured for her to go through the door. She was there by the time she blinked, and didn't even realize it. At her look of surprise, Jasper chuckled. "Like I said, you'll get used to it."

She wasn't paying attention though. She had just caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror. Her hair was… not longer, but it looked healthy. And her skin had no marks on it from her many attempts at trying to avoid balance issues. Her body was plumper in some areas, and thinner in others, than she remembered. Perhaps she just didn't pay much attention to herself.

Her breasts though… in the mirror, she was practically spilling out of her bra. She lifted a hand and went to touch them, but remembered Carlisle and Jasper there. And put her hand back down. She met her eyes last.

And she flinched. They were bright red, like James' had been, with an almost eerie glow to them.

"They'll fade over time," Jasper's voice spoke up quietly. "Once your body works off your human blood." Blood. Her throat burned slightly at the thought of blood. Not unbearable. "Are you thirsty?" The burn was a little uncomfortable, but nothing terrible.

"Not too much," she admitted. She glanced to Jasper as his expression closed off. She couldn't figure out why. She grew apprehensive, worried, as she took it in. Was he… disappointed? "Is that normal?"

"It's remarkable," Carlisle spoke up before Jasper could open his mouth. Jasper's expression changed, back to the warm Jasper that he had been a minute before. For some reason, worry gnawed at her, her own making. Was he… expecting her to be more of a handful? She could only remember so much of what he had told her… He had dealt with newborns, a lot.

"Is it supposed to burn?" she asked quietly.

"It will, when you're thirsty," Jasper said carefully. "We'll go hunting in a minute, darlin'. But we should meet the others first, how's that sound?"

The others. Alice was downstairs. She remembered that. She lit up. "Let's go-"

"Woah, there," Jasper laughed. "Not so fast. One at a time. They'll come up here. Sound good?" Bella frowned, confused, but nodded. "Just to get you used to the scents. One at a time is best. Not that I don't think you'll be on your best behavior, but just in case."

"I don't want to hurt anyone."

"Alright. Alice, send one up." She heard movement downstairs. And Bella's eyes darted to the floor. "Do you mind if I step in and keep you calm, Bella?"

His power. "Of course." She felt it, like a slow embrace, drag its way into her chest, and still all panic left. She relaxed slightly. "Who's coming first?"

"Emmett." Emmett. She stepped out of the bathroom. "If you react well to him, Carlisle's going to step out and Emmett and I will stay in here. Just in case." In case she attacked? She remembered Emmett was the strongest of them. Maybe that's a good plan. "We don't want you to feel too crowded or outnumbered." Bella nodded. Whatever he thought was best, was likely best. She didn't know. She couldn't even think, yet she couldn't stop thinking. In a second, there were steps outside the door and she held her breath in anticipation. Emmett walked through slowly, and the calm feeling was stronger now, more urgent.

But she felt fine. Emmett gave Bella a wide grin, showing his teeth. "Hey, Bells."

"Hey, Emmett."

"Death looks great on you." She found herself smiling back. "Don't tell Rosie I said that. She'd probably punch me."

Bella shrugged. "I feel great, though. For being dead. A little uncomfortable in the throat, but I think that's normal."

"Hell yeah it is," Emmett said, clasping Carlisle on the shoulder. "I got it from here, pops. Let the muscles handle this one. Alice said she might get feisty."

Bella's eyes watched as the door opened, and she could see beyond a hallway, a few more doors perhaps, stairs. Carlisle left. Bella, for some unknown reason, was buzzing with anticipation. She was excited, because she was meeting others? Or because she was a vampire, she wasn't sure. But she felt like she had a boundless amount of energy.

The door opened again, and Bella knew who it was immediately. The woman was blonde, with long hair, and the only vampire with long blonde hair like that that Bella knew was Rosalie.

"You're gorgeous," Bella blurted.

She looked even more perfect as a vampire. She looked like a goddess, in this form. Where Jasper had scars, and Emmett had bulk, it seemed that what made her so unique was how absolutely stunning she was.

Rosalie smiled at Bella's slip. "Thank you, that's very kind." But it was true. Rosalie was… Suddenly, how amazed she was in the mirror seemed a stark disappointment.

"Deep breath, Bella," Jasper said quietly.

Bella did. And the scent was… delicate. Even though Rosalie was anything but, the scent was deceiving. Just as Rosalie's face was deceiving for someone kind. Rosalie was abrupt, blunt, in the time Bella knew her. But kind? Bella couldn't say that for sure.

Bella exhaled. "That's good, Rose," Jasper said. "You good for someone new, Bella?"

Bella was. She gave a small nod. Rosalie turned towards the door. "You look great, Bella," she offered. Before she could disappear completely, Alice was there. She was smiling, and Bella could see her bouncing on her toes as she entered the room. She smelled similar to Jasper at first, as Bella took a deep breath without Jasper's reminder. Like water and an animal - only the animal was different. The animal was smaller, for one, she could tell somehow.

But it smelled like it tasted better.

"Hey, Bella!" Alice grinned.

"Alice," Bella said quietly. "Did you eat something recently?"

Alice's grin got wider. "Yup. Jasper and I went, before you woke up." Bella glanced to Jasper briefly.

"Alice's smells better. But yours was bigger." Jasper gave a small nod.

"Already talking about size? I was expecting a few hunts first, Bells." Bella glanced to Emmett, and his smirk was contagious. Bella found herself giggling.

"That wasn't what I meant," she felt the need to clarify, when a rush of calm stopped her giggles.

He snorted. But thinking about hunting… she did feel her throat burning a little more steadily. Bella brought her hand up to touch her throat, to see that it didn't feel any different than the other parts of her skin. It didn't feel any warmer.

"Do you want to meet the Denalis, or do you want to hunt?" Jasper's question was careful, and his tone was calm. He looked like he was concentrating.

Bella didn't know. The Denalis owned this house, didn't they? Bella dropped her hand, trying to focus. "Meet them… I've never met them. I don't think?"

"No, you haven't," Alice buzzed. "Both options are okay. I don't see anything bad happening if you hunt now."

"I think meet them. I've heard about them… a lot."

Jasper nodded. "Alright. Alice?"

"I'll see you when you get back from your hunt!" Alice said brightly. "Tanya?" Tanya. She tried to decide what to think about Tanya before she saw her, but couldn't make any conclusions. She just remembered that she had taken an interest in Edward.

"Where's Edward?" Bella blurted. Alice froze slightly in her exit.

"He's in Forks," Jasper answered. Bella frowned slightly. "To keep up appearances. We also weren't sure how you'd react." How she'd react? She must have shown her confusion. "Do you remember how you changed?" She thought for a second, and her mind showed her vividly what she could remember. Flying, Edward snarling, Jasper holding her arm to stop her from bleeding out.

Pain. Fire. Words, whispered to her about a past life. Promises.

Her eyes flickered to Jasper. "Oh." He gave a shy smile. "You held my hand." She didn't know why out of all of that she fixated on that moment, but it was strange. She couldn't remember them ever holding hands before. "We've never even hugged before. Sorry, my head just… finds that weird. Sorry… about attacking you, again."

"It's alright, darlin'," Jasper drawled.

"Tanya?" a voice prompted from the door. Bella gave a nod, and Alice was gone.

The woman came into view slowly, as if she had already heard of Bella's attack on Jasper. Could they all hear her? She hadn't exactly been trying to talk quietly. What if she was shouting and didn't realize it? Bella felt apprehension fill her. Was she doing everything all wrong?

Jasper's hand came up sharply, and Tanya froze. He took a step towards Bella, putting himself between Tanya and her. "What's wrong, darlin'?"

"I'm not shouting, am I?" Bella asked carefully. Jasper's eyebrow quirked in surprise. "Or… talking too loudly? Because you guys used to talk quieter than humans and…. I'm not being too loud-"

"You're talking just fine. Normal vampire speed. And you don't even realize it." Oh. It was a relief. "That's what you're worried about?"

"Yeah… I didn't want to give you guys a headache." His lips twitched.

"Couldn't if you tried." He stepped back, and his hand dropped to his side. "Sorry, Tanya."

"No problem. Better safe than sorry." She had an accent. And she was pretty, much like Rosalie. Her blonde hair was warmer than Rosalie's, but her eyes were more almond shaped. She gave Bella a smile as she entered the room, but her teeth didn't show. "Hello, Bella. My name is Tanya."

"Tanya." Bella stepped forward, offering a hand. She noticed Jasper tense just slightly with the motion, before he realized what she was doing. Tanya took her hand carefully. Warm, still. "Bella."

"I'm the leader of the Denali coven," Tanya said softly, releasing Bella. "I hope you like your room."

"My room?" Bella blinked in surprise, glancing around. There were torn sheets, the mattress was ruined, and pillows were everywhere. Bella winced. "Did I do that?"

"It's alright. They can be replaced without issue. We can also put whatever it is you'd like in here instead. Since there is no need for sleep." Bella had almost forgotten that. She glanced back to Tanya as the woman gave a smile. "But this is your room for stay here. I thought it would be best. Until you adjust."

Adjust. Bella felt like sneezing again, but held it back. Instead she took a deep breath. The scent was spicy. "Thank you. That's really kind of you…"

"And don't worry about the mess. We'll clean it up." She winked. "We all make a mess when we change."

Bella supposed she didn't even know she had done it. But suddenly Jasper shifted. "Alright, Tanya. Let's do the next." Bella gave Tanya an apologetic smile, that they couldn't talk for longer under Jasper's schedule, but it was probably for the best. Tanya was gone in seconds, and another took her place. This man was more dark in complexion. But not too dark.

"Eleazar," he said. "We're new additions to the coven."

"It's nice to meet you. Thanks for… letting me kind of destroy your house."

He laughed. "Oh, Bella, I couldn't be more happy to help, even if it means tearing apart a mattress or two." She wasn't sure if that was an innuendo. But she laughed anyway. It didn't seem like one. "Your shield is very strong." She looked confused. "I see abilities, gifts. And yours is a shield."

"A shield?"

"You block others gifts. Jasper explained more mental gifts than physical – he can still feel emotions and Alice can see your future. But trackers, mind readers… it is a very useful gift. It will keep you safe." A gift. She had a gift.

She wasn't sure if she was happy about that. There wasn't anything she could _do_ with a shield. A shield, in all those war movies she had watched in history class or on the couch one day when she was alone… a shield had just been a burden. It wasn't very useful in fighting, other than defense.

Kate was next, and she had this wild energy about her that made Bella a little apprehensive. But after Kate sent a conspirator's wink towards Bella on her way out, she had a feeling that they'd be good friends. Kate seemed interested in wrecking more than a little havoc.

Bella learned with Carmen, however, that Eleazar's comment was not an innuendo. It couldn't have been, because the woman was his mate, and she was absolutely beautiful. She reminded Bella a lot of Esme.

"It's good to see you awake, Bella," she said in greeting.

"Awake? I… I wasn't awake? But I remember… talking-"

"At first, you came to us asleep," Carmen admitted. "When Eleazar and I went to hunt, you woke, but you were still not like this… Not entirely conscious. I've heard so much about you. Carlisle would tell us everything. It has been so long since we've had interaction with humans. They are curious things."

Bella gave a wry smile, wrinkling her nose. "Sorry you didn't meet me as a human. I don't think I'm particular exciting anymore, nor squishy. I feel different."

Carmen giggled, and the sound was as warm as a fire in the winter. "You are different, _querida_. But we'll talk more when the Cullens leave."

Bella felt her unbeating heart stop. And she couldn't help this rush of fear that consumed her. "Leave?" Her eyes darted to Emmett, sitting on the bed, and Jasper, still by the dresser, keeping some distance. She didn't know why the insecurities nearly crushed her so suddenly. She had always considered the Cullens leaving as an option – and now she was too much, too difficult. They were just going to throw her to the Denalis… this was her room, in a house that wasn't the Cullens. They were leaving-

Carmen looked alarmed by the sudden change, especially when Jasper went rigid and took a step forward. "Darlin, that's not what she meant. Just for a few hours. We've got a funeral to attend and it'd look suspicious if we're not all there. But I'll be right back as soon as it's over. You won't even realize I'm gone."

"I'm sorry, I… I didn't think before I said it-"

"It's alright, Carmen," Jasper said smoothly. "It's just a misunderstanding."

"But… but why would you all need to leave for some funeral?"

Jasper took a deep breath, and she felt the push of calm – the erasing of the fear, the deep rooted insecurity. He gave her an understanding smile, but also a smile of … pity? Pain? She wasn't sure what it was exactly. Reluctance? She took a deep breath. "Your funeral, darlin'. After the party… we had to fake your death."

Bella swallowed more venom. It was sterilizing in her throat. "Oh."

She blinked. Then blinked again.

Charlie.

"Oh," she said again, this time quieter. Her gaze dropped from Jasper, breaking eye contact, and she felt a new emotion welling up. Sadness? Her dad… her dad, that had been so excited for when he got off work to celebrate her birthday with her – to go to the diner and get her usual, and for him to get his usual. She felt venom pool in her eyes, but even when she blinked again, the tears didn't fall.

Her dad had never celebrated her eighteenth birthday.

Just got the news that she had died.

"How did I die? How does he think I died?"

"A car accident, on your way to La Push to meet your friends and Billy and Charlie." Oh. She felt sick. Her stomach flipped like it was trying to restrict her emotion. And she turned slightly, to glance out the window – to the snow and the forest around her. "A fire to make the body unrecognizable. Died on impact."

"Jasper-" Emmett said lowly, like a warning.

"She should know the truth," Jasper said quietly. "We all lost family when we changed. Lying about it won't make anything better. The funeral's tomorrow. I'll be leaving a little while after the hunt, once you get situated. But I'll be back tomorrow night, at the earliest. I've got to be there."

"We never saw each other on my birthday," Bella said quietly. She didn't know if they could hear, because she could barely hear herself. "We were going to get dinner at the diner, and he was going to celebrate then. He doesn't like the… the emotional stuff. But I saw my present, all wrapped on the table, for when we got back that night. I never opened it." She wanted to cry.

She wanted the tears to fall.

She tried again, blinking. But the venom never fell. It just made her eyes burn slightly. Like she had shampoo in them.

"I know, darlin'," Jasper said quietly. He was right behind her, and she felt his hand touch her shoulder slightly. She sucked in a breath, at the sudden calm that went through her. "It hurts. And it won't stop hurting. It always hurts. You just get used to it." You'll get used to it. He had said it more times than she could keep track of just in the last fifteen minutes?

 _You'll get used to it. You'll get used to it. You'll get used to it._

She wasn't used to it yet.

"Let's go hunting," Jasper suggested. "You can meet Irina when we get back. Sound good, darlin'?" She glanced towards where Carmen and Emmett had been. But they were gone now, as if Jasper had shooed them for some privacy. She then glanced to Jasper for an explanation. He winced slightly, but gave a reassuring smile. "They left to let you grieve. But a hunt will be good – it'll help. You'll feel more like yourself."

She didn't even know what 'like herself' was anymore. She couldn't remember what normal was exactly. "Okay," she said softly.

"We would have had this conversation tonight anyway," Jasper said, equally as quiet. His hand didn't move. "So I could get a gauge on your emotions." She didn't know what to say to that. "What are you in the mood for? Carnivore? Herbivore? Omnivore? If you'd like some humans, we could find a hiker-"

"Jasper," a scold came from downstairs. Carlisle.

Jasper smirked at her. "Only kidding," Jasper said with a soft lilt. "Unless you'd prefer it. I'm not one to discriminate in diets." Bella wasn't sure if there was a jab there. Was there? She searched his expression for some hint of one. She found nothing. Just calm, and patience.

"What did Alice have?"

"A mountain lion. I'm not sure if we'll be able to find one, but we can give it a shot."

She gave a small nod. "Alright."

Jasper pulled his hand away from her and she swallowed at the sadness that crept back into her. And then the burning that was building in her throat. He moved to a window, pulling it open. It was floor length, with a hinge that squeaked just enough to make Bella's skin crawl. It was like a door, out to a balcony with no platform. A balcony that had never been built.

"You ready, darling?"

"Why did you open the window?" Bella asked, confusion leaking through. She furrowed her brow as she stared at it. A sharp breeze drew into the house, letting her smell the woodsy scent of the forest, snow, and then something else – a hint of life.

"So we can jump." Her eyes darted in alarm to Jasper. "Darlin, you're nearly indestructible. A little jump like this won't hurt you. As a human, from the third floor? Sure. But now?" Oh, right. She took a few steps towards him. He held out a hand, palm up, for her to take. Bella hesitated a brief moment before doing so.

He was warm, so warm it felt like her palm was burning, compared to the breeze pushing her hair back. "Ready?" Jasper prodded gently.

Bella jerked out a nod.

And then they were falling.


	6. She's the last true mouthpiece

**Title:** Take Me To Church

 **Rating:** M

 **Summary:** She never wanted to celebrate her 18th birthday anyway, and she got her wish. Her and Jasper forge a bond through the blood and fire that accompanies her new life. He understands what she's going through, because he has to. And she understands him, because she listens. But nothing comes easy, and Bella has only gotten a taste of the dangers of her new world.

 **Disclaimer:** I don't own anyone in Stephenie Meyer's universe. I simply play with them.

 **Warnings:** Cursing, sexual scenes/situations, angst, murder.

 **Spoilers:** Spoilers for the Twilight book and parts of New Moon/Eclipse.

 **Author's Notes:** I am finding Bella Swan's head to be a place of strange things.

* * *

It smelt of water. An overwhelming surrounding of water and cold and just ice. She could feel the snow every time it touched her skin. Only… it didn't feel cold. The snow felt like a summer rainstorm, warm, wet droplets that melted on her skin.

Was she colder than snow? Colder than freezing?

She didn't ask, instead following Jasper through the forest at a blinding speed. She missed the ways the trees smelled differently by type. Instead, she just smelt one blended scent of earth that was sharp against the water.

And suddenly, they stopped. They were at a frozen stream, with a little bit of water running along the frozen stones. It was deafening compared to the silence of the forest.

She turned her head sharply at the sound of a loud screech. "An owl," Jasper told her. "It's three miles south of us."

Miles? She glanced back to Jasper in alarm, but he was giving her that grin again. The grin that told her "You'll get used to it." She figured she'd have to, or she'd think the entire world was screaming at her.

Maybe it was.

"There's a deer herd a few miles north of us. I caught a faint trace of it. We can follow that, if you'd like." Jasper's offer was careful, like he was trying to gauge something – maybe her preference in meat. No, not meat. Blood. She didn't know what she'd prefer, just that Alice's meal had smelled better. Did that mean it tasted better?

But a sudden thought made her feel nervous. What if she didn't know how to hunt right? What if… what if she couldn't hunt right?

"What's wrong, darlin'?" Jasper prodded, his voice gentle.

"Can there be vampire deer?"

The question was so sudden, and strange that Jasper couldn't hide the snort that left him. It made Bella take her lip between her teeth, watching him carefully. "No, darlin'. The venom is poisonous to animals." She wasn't sure if she was relieved of that. "I don't mean to laugh, darlin', it's just your question was not one I was expecting."

"What were you expecting?"

"You to say that you'd want to go a different direction," Jasper shrugged. He gave her a softer smile, as if in apology. "I got curious too, once. Tried to turn an armadillo in Texas back in the day… Sort of died."

"Sort of?" Bella repeated, her anxiety tripling. Was there a vampire armadillo walking around?

Jasper shook his head. "It did die. Just… suffered." Oh. Her breath left her, and her eyes darted north, to where Jasper had gestured a few minutes ago. Where the deer herd was. Would she make them suffer? She didn't want to hurt anything… she didn't want them to feel bad if she couldn't do this right the first few times.

"Your instincts will kick in," Jasper's voice sounded, like a brother to the wind, so quiet in the forest that she could barely hear him over the stream. "You'll drain them right away. They won't even feel the venom. I promise you that. It takes years of restraint to pull away from a bite."

He knew more about this than she did. She had to trust him.

"You'll make sure I don't let them suffer?"

Jasper was quiet a minute, as if hesitating. "I'll make sure they have a quick death."

She believed him. Because she didn't want to believe the alternative.

"Why would you say I could choose the human diet? Shouldn't you be encouraging the opposite?"

"I think it's a perfectly reasonable diet. And I don't blame you." She doesn't know what to say to that. She couldn't think of a proper response. But her throat burned even hotter. "Let's go north, alright?"

"Alright," she said quietly.

They went north.

Not even what Bella assumed to be a mile into their trek, she suddenly froze. A scent was overwhelmingly close. So delicious smelling that she nearly choked at the burn in her throat. The hot coals were nothing like they were before. Jasper staggered to a standstill next to her. "Bella?"

"What is that?" she breathed. Her eyes darted to Jasper.

"A wolf. Seems large enough for a good first hunt. Do you want it?" Did she? She was practically salivating. She could feel the venom on her tongue, the pool in her mouth that she swallowed. It did nothing for the burning.

"Yes."

He nodded, his head in the direction the scent carried. "Go on, then. It's yours."

She didn't need telling twice. She was gone, like a bat out of hell, through the forest, following the scent. She heard it before she saw it. Long, languid steps through the snow. Quiet huffs of breath, as if it didn't want to cause too much noise for predators.

The sound of the fur dragging against the top of the snow, brushing it just so gently that there was a slight scrape sound. The sound of snow crunching under claws. The sounds of a heart beating furiously fast.

The sounds of blood rushing through the veins of the beast. She only paused enough to try and think about how far it was. And then she was springing forward, seeing the creature under her as she fell atop it. Crunching. A stutter of a heart.

Absolute silence.

Bella gathered herself up off the snow, and stared down at the creature she had decided would be her meal. There was no blood spilled, though up close, she felt her throat ache more than before. She could smell the blood under the surface of the flesh – the fur.

But the creature was still.

She had crushed it to death. Its back was oddly shaped in the snow, its claws were splayed as if it was about to protect itself. Its eyes were wide open, almost bulging.

She stared at the eyes, unable to look away.

She had crushed it to death.

 _She_ had crushed it. And she had barely even …

"Bella, darlin'?" Jasper's voice was distant, as if not sure if he should get closer. Bella didn't say anything, feeling venom welling up in her eyes. The wolf hadn't even had a chance to defend itself – it hadn't even cried out. It hadn't done anything wrong.

Her eyes darted to the tail, still against the snow. The body half buried in the snow that she had forced it down into. The snow came up to her knees.

Bella hadn't noticed before.

A sudden breeze knocked away the scent of the wolf and instead she could smell Jasper, there, a few feet away. "A vampire with a conscious…" She wasn't sure if she was meant to hear his musings. But he didn't sound amused. He sounded sad. "Bella, you've got to eat it, darlin'."

"I barely even touched it," she whispered. "It just… It must have been in so much pain. And it couldn't even fight back – it could have run… but I wasn't even thinking and… the wolf just… it died." She swallowed back more venom. How could she be hungry after she had murdered something so… so innocent?

Jasper's steps got a little closer. And a rush of calm enveloped her. She swallowed again.

"No pain," Jasper's voice held promise. "I can't lie about that. I know, remember?" She knelt down in the snow, her hand reaching out for the fur of the wolf. But she stopped a few inches away. Even from here she could feel the heat of the animal, almost burning. "You've gotta drink it, darling." She couldn't. She couldn't drink it. It looked… it looked like it was suffering, even though she knew it was dead. "It will be a waste if you don't." A waste.

No, she couldn't let this innocent creature waste away to nothing, to die – and not at least use it as she had intended. She couldn't let it die for nothing.

"What do I do?" she asked, and she hated how her voice cracked. She hated how she sounded. Like a kid lost in the middle of a store, unable to find their parent.

Jasper stepped closer, but it was almost as if he didn't want to step too close. The wind shifted his scent away. And all she could smell was the wolf. "Do you see the vein on the neck?" She did. Even though it was covered in fur, she could see the defined outline of a jugular. "Bite right along it. The rest is easy." Her hands touched the fur, down in a single smooth gesture. A bone cracked under her accidental pressure.

She jerked her hand back, swallowing back more venom. And then she bit. She squeezed her eyes shut, so she wouldn't have to see.

Bella felt the blood pool into her mouth, and it tasted… unlike anything she had ever tasted before. It was sweet, and the best way Bella could describe it was like chocolate milk. It had a thick consistency that made her tongue feel slick. And yet it was refreshing enough to take away the burn in her throat, and make her feel … better.

That was exactly what it did. It made her feel better, euphoric, for a split second as she drained the creature.

When she got nothing more from the veins, she pulled her mouth away from the fur, and ran her hand along her lips. Blood came away, as well as some fur. "We'll go back to the stream and wash up," Jasper spoke calmly. Bella glanced towards him sharply, and he was stiff, frozen, as if he didn't want to make sudden movements.

Leave? Leave the wolf? Just… lying in the open?

Bella stared once more to the animal, its body seeming so much flatter and lifeless than before, though Bella was certain it was just a trick of her eyes. She wanted it to get up – she wanted the animal to change into a vampire wolf, she wanted it to be okay again.

It wouldn't.

She had to do something. It deserved something.

Jasper took a step closer. "Can we bury it?" The words tumbled out of her mouth before she even thought about it. But her voice was quiet, as if she wasn't sure if she wanted him to hear.

Jasper took another step, until he was beside her. He was silent, his eyes on the wolf as well. And then he gave a single nod.

"Of course, darlin'."

The relief was all encompassing. She didn't move to stand. Instead, she dug her bloodied hands into the snow, and began to dig. The snow soon gave way to dirt. Her hands dug into the frozen ground almost effortlessly.

Stones crumbled in her grip as she would bring it to the pile growing beside her.

Jasper joined her once she made it a few inches into the earth. Bella focused on keeping the venom from pooling in her eyes, she focused on keeping her mind from the wolf just inches from her. She tried to keep her mind from the still aching burn in her throat.

How could she still be thirsty?

She kept her eyes on Jasper's hands as they dug into the frozen mud, noting the scars that eclipsed parts of his skin. She could see a prominent one on his wrist that looked… terrible.

"That should be deep enough," Jasper spoke. She blinked, glancing back to the dirt hole. She hadn't even noticed that it was a few feet deep. It could have taken more than a minute to dig the hole.

Had she been using vampire speed and didn't even realize it?

Bella glanced to the wolf, that hadn't moved since she had stopped it. Her eyes then darted back to the ground under her, as if trying to fit the body of the wolf inside with her mind. She supposed it was large enough. "I think so."

"I'll get it," Jasper said quietly. She didn't say how relieved she was that he had offered. She had broken bones just by trying to pet its fur. Trying to lift it? She might tear it apart.

He lifted it effortlessly, bringing it to the hole and she watched as he gently set it down. It fit snugly. Bella wondered if they did this for every animal they killed. Jasper seemed too practiced in digging graves for it not to be.

Neither one of them moved to cover the wolf for a moment.

 _I'm sorry_ , she told it in her head.

"I'm still thirsty," Bella said aloud.

"You will be, for a few more months." She didn't know how she felt about that. She didn't know how she felt about the death being a waste. She didn't know why she felt so sad.

The wolf had done nothing wrong. It had been roaming around its natural territory. And Bella had…

Killed it.

She hadn't even touched it.

Her hands began to pull the snow and dirt and broken sticks over the wolf's body.

It had died. So she could be full.

And she wasn't even full.

"You've a heart of gold." She glanced up to Jasper, but he wasn't looking at her. He was pushing dirt over the wolf, and was acting as though he had said nothing.

Once it was done, she stared at the discolored dirt. She felt like she had been staring so much at the ground in these last few moments, but didn't know what else she could do. She felt helpless – only she was in a body that was anything but.

She wondered if this was what Edward meant when he said she was fragile. Not just breakable, but… unable to handle this stuff.

Maybe she wasn't meant to be a vampire.

Her throat burned again, as if reminding her that she was exactly what she might not have been best at. "Is it always like that?" Bella met Jasper's golden eyes as she looked up. His brow was furrowed just enough that there was a wrinkle between his eyebrows. His hair curled in front of his eyes, wet from the snow. It was falling harder now. "Do they always suffer like that?"

"It didn't suffer, darlin'," Jasper reminded her. "But… yes, it's always like that. At least until you learn your strength, can be more precise when you attack. It wasn't a bad first hunt, Bella. You've actually done really well." She swallowed the venom on her tongue. "We all have a different style. Emmett plays with them, gets their adrenaline pumping. He says it tastes better, but I don't see a difference." Bella felt venom pool in her eyes at that. To play with them? But they were so… fragile.

Everything was fragile now.

"Edward injures the cougars before he takes them down, keeps them alive. The blood is freshest if they stay alive." Alive? She couldn't stop the horror from building. Would she become like that? So immune to the death that… she'd let it know what was happening when she did it. "It varies between the others. Alice has difficulties getting her arms around them, to kill them quickly. But she does her best."

"And you?" she asked, and she didn't know why her voice sounded so hoarse.

"I put it to sleep," Jasper said after a moment of hesitation. "Let the others run away after I choose which one. It doesn't know it's coming. I break its neck before I bite."

She wondered if it was because he could feel it's pain… or if it was because he didn't want them to suffer.

"Next time, can you… teach me how to kill it before it even knows I'm there? Like you do?" She didn't look at him. She just tried to stop from thinking about more blood.

"It won't be a good idea for me to get close to you when you hunt," Jasper answered. She glanced up, frowning, in confusion. "Your instincts take over. You'll attack me to protect your meal, much like you did in the house, but you won't stop until I'm down." Oh. "It's not your fault, it's just a survival mechanism. But the best I can offer is working on control until you can think more than you did to take them down."

"I just… jumped on it."

"Bella, darlin', we have to kill to survive. I promise you, she didn't feel anything. It was so fast, she probably didn't even know you were nearby."

She believed him. She had to. It hurt less to believe that. "Does it ever get easier?"

"You get used to it." There was a wry twist of his lips that accompanied the phrase. How many times had he said it? She had lost count. "If we hadn't have taken it out, it could have hurt someone… or someone else would have hunted it, poachers… whatever you'd like to think, whoever you'd like to believe would do something cruel to them. It helps." To think of the awful people putting them through more pain than she did.

She could do that.

She could try.

Bella swallowed back more venom. "Come on, you're still thirsty," Jasper said as he pulled himself to his feet. He held out a hand to help her up, though they both knew she didn't need it. "There should be some deer still nearby. I bet that's what the wolf was hunting. Let's head a little east."

East they went. The snow seemed to be deeper this far into the forest, but the sound of the stream in Bella's ear vanished and was blanketed by the buffering of the trees. Now, the wind against the pine needles grated on her skin.

Only, she found she didn't mind it at the same time. It made her feel on edge. Like someone was approaching though. "Smell anything?"

She didn't. She took a deep breath in, relishing the crisp scent of the winter. Or… fall. And she couldn't help but take in a lungful of Jasper's peculiar scent as well. It … was weird. It was … not as bad as she first remembered it.

 _She was getting used to it,_ she thought with a smirk.

But the wind suddenly shifted and she smelt it. It was a lot like the wolf, and her throat took control. "Something a little bit away," she choked out.

"Go get it," Jasper encouraged. She was off. She tried to keep her head as she moved towards the scent, but her footsteps ground to a halt as she didn't see anything large in the forest.

The lingering scent was familiar.

It was the wolf. The very wolf that she had just killed a few moments before – haunting her. She could smell it in the snow, though she couldn't see any tracks. She checked her hands, where the small amount of blood had been. But it had rubbed off in the dirt and snow of digging the grave.

The scent was …

She heard it. A soft tingling of cries, muffled slightly by earth.

She fell back a step, her throat no longer burning. And then another step. She held her breath.

Pups, of the very wolf she had just murdered. She didn't need to look to confirm what she suspected. She could hear them. She could smell them. Two of them, from the sound of the heart beats.

Small, with probably only a few weeks of time on them.

She hadn't just killed a wolf, she had killed a mother – a new mother. And the pups…

She didn't breathe, moving towards the sound.

All that she could repeat in her head was one single word.

 _Monster. Monster. Monster. Monster._

How _dare_ she? How dare she rip a mother from her children and ruin their chance at… life.

Something she no longer had.

Maybe she wasn't meant to be a vampire.

She found the den easily enough. It was well hidden in the snow, almost a cave with no scents nearby but the two small cubs. They were cute, extremely cute, with dark gray fur and bright pink noses. And fur that looked too fluffy. Inside the small cave, it was dry. She knelt down, careful to keep her distance. And reached a hand out, but drew it back sharply.

Her fingers curled into a fist, against her jeans, and she tore into the fabric.

Her lungs hurt just slightly. Like an uncomfortable movement that she had never done before. Not breathing was more difficult than she imagined.

"Bella?"

"I'll kill them if I touch them," Bella said quietly. She dug her fingers harder against her legs. Jasper crouched, blocking out the light, and sat beside her in the den. There was no threat for a wolf to come by. There was no other scent but theirs that was at least fresh. Bella was certain.

"Tell me what you're feeling," Jasper requested.

"You know what I'm feeling." Jasper glanced to her and she swallowed. Right. _Talk_ about what she was feeling. "I killed their mother. There's no wolf scent around the den, which means she probably wasn't a pack animal, but was solitary – for whatever reason. Which means… without their mother, they'll die."

It was the most her lungs could handle. She drew in a breath, and squeezed her eyes shut. A wave of calm eased the burn in her throat.

"We can get closer."

"I'll hurt them."

"I'll make sure you don't." A promise. She had to trust it. Jasper scooted closer, but Bella didn't. And he reached for one of the cubs. As he lifted it, gently, he spoke. "Hold out yours hands, like you have a bowl in them." She did so, and as Jasper turned towards her, he set the pup in her palms.

She went rigid immediately. The calm increased. "I've got your thirst, darlin', don't worry. I've gotten good enough to control it for short lengths of time. Just focus and don't get trapped in your head. Focus on what's going on around you. This is a girl."

A girl. She was pretty, in a wolf sort of way. There were rusty colored lines on her ears, and her mouth opened as she cried to show a few tiny teeth. Bella melted at the sight of them. The poor thing was… helpless.

The other pup was cradled in Jasper's palms. "This one's a boy."

Somewhere above the den, a raven cawed.

A brother and a sister. Orphaned.

She made sure she didn't move a single muscle as the wolf in her hands wiggled around, into the scent of the wolf mother and the dirt and the snow. Bella wondered if it could smell the death.

But the pup was warm, so warm that it felt like sunlight on her skin. She almost had the urge to think about sunscreen, but shook that thought away – it was silly.

"I see why you guys don't touch humans," Bella admitted. "They're hot."

"Animals run just a little higher than humans," Jasper said with a tilt of his head, his gold eyes zeroed in on the cub in his palms, moving them to accommodate the wily pup. "So they aren't so hot, but they are warm. It's nice. You'll be able to tell the difference in creatures based on the heat of their bodies the more you're exposed to them. You'll always remember everything for identifications, but it's merely a matter of learning the sensitivity. The same with blood. You'll be able to taste the differences based on diets and animal type."

She had only been awake for less than an hour. More than? She wasn't sure. Time seemed to go so fast now. "We'll work on strength." His promises were too great. She didn't know how long it would take for her to be like the rest of the family – Edward had said it took nearly a decade for control. Did that include strength? She hoped not.

"What will happen to them?"

Jasper didn't hesitate, and the honesty hit her – even if it wasn't intended to be projected. "They'll die on their own without their mother, darlin'. They're too young to fend for themselves, and it'll only get colder, so food will become scarce. I don't know of any other wolves in the area, or of any rescue sanctuaries nearby."

To die, because she had killed their mother. She swallowed, frowning. "But… there has to be something."

"They've already been exposed to the cold for too long." Her fingers twitched. She was even colder than the snow. She shouldn't be holding them in the first place. But the pup was still nuzzling into her fingers, like its mother would be there. Like she was providing some comfort. The wind seemed to rustle the trees with more urgency, like they were disagreeing with Jasper.

"But…" Her words escaped her before she could stop them. But what? There wasn't anything to be… but about. There was nothing she could do – she couldn't even move her hands without possibly breaking a few bones.

"Their mother was probably hunting the wolves, for food. She was either abandoned by her pack, or became separated in a storm – had her pups without them and has begun to fend for herself." Bella's frown deepened as Jasper worked his way around the situation. "She knew she couldn't be gone long, but… they're already shivering. They won't last long." She closed her eyes as he finished his thoughts. "It would be a mercy to kill them, so they don't suffer in the cold."

Venom built unbidden. Bella lowered her hands excruciatingly slow, until they rested against the dirt of the ground, and the small thing rolled out of them, into the dirt and began to cry as it hobbled around. Bella could hear it, focused on its breathing and its sloppy steps.

She didn't want to give her throat the presence of her mind. She needed to focus.

"They're so young," Bella said quietly. Her eyes opened, and the view she had of the wolf was blurry, until it was just a mass of gray and white and brown. Suddenly, the girl wolf was wobbling towards her, and pressed against Bella's knee. To her bloodied jeans slick with snow. She swallowed the venom in her throat from the urge to cry. Blinking hard, the form was only slightly easier to see.

"I'm a monster, aren't I?" Bella's voice was soft. "You guys always told me this life wasn't all roses and happily ever after. It's… full of death." She ran her tongue over her teeth, and her eyes never left the wolf as it nudged her again. "I made them… them orphans and … no one will want them – or can take them… and …" She didn't know what else. "Why is killing the only way we can live?"

"Dunno, darlin'," Jasper admitted. "Just how nature intended, I guess."

"Is that why people do the human diet?" she asked. She glanced up slowly, catching just a hint of surprise on Jasper's face at the sudden question. But it was gone quickly. "Bar the taste… but because people aren't innocent? So… killing them is helping others – killing them is saving animals, and nature and… this natural expansion of people that's just gotten out of control?"

"I suppose that's a very practical way of looking at the diet," Jasper said quietly. "Animals are… innocent, but they aren't necessarily as intelligent as humans. That is why Carlisle pioneered this life. He viewed it as a more humane alternative – a way of being human without being human." She supposed that made sense. "Most vampire don't consider the human diet – not even when they're hundreds of years old – the way you've described. It's simply the way they live, the way we were intended to live – and it tastes better."

"But they are intelligent beings – and I think animals are too. So … what stops a vampire from eating… say a dolphin?"

Jasper grinned. "Difficult, for one. Fish taste terrible, secondly. And thirdly?" He tilted his head thoughtfully, setting the wolf in his hands down. He ran his hand along its back, petting it firmly. "It's the thrill of the hunt. It's … exhilarating, to trap a human – to watch them know they're being hunted down, and they're powerless. Many people like the game of it – the sport. Do you remember James?"

She winced. She did. James had made a game out of her – even when there were seven fully adept vampires to get through first. "He made it a game."

Jasper gave a short nod, and his grin fell into a half-grimace. Like he was stuck mid-unpleasant thought. "James is how real vampires are – how vampires usually live."

She wanted to ask if he had been that way – when he was on the human diet, before the family. But it didn't seem appropriate. She didn't want to cross the territory into some unwelcome zone. Bella barely even knew him. Yet she had been more honest with him than she had ever been before.

She blamed the gift he had.

Instead, Bella dropped her gaze to the wolves on the ground, now huddling together for warmth. "if… if we do kill them… can you do what you were telling me? Where you let them sleep and… and they won't feel anything? They won't know it's coming?"

Jasper didn't answer for a while. She didn't know how long. She didn't know what a second was compared to a minute anymore. It all seemed forever long. But it certainly felt like a few minutes.

Maybe it was an hour.

"We'll take them to the house, try to keep them warm, give them some milk and… hope that they make it. We'll find someplace to take them, even if it's across Alaska. How's that sound?" Her heart swelled with some emotion, and she glanced up, eyes wide, to see that Jasper was hesitant looking. He swallowed. "But… there's still a chance they won't make it. I don't want you to get your hopes up if…"

She understood. "Really?"

"Yeah, darlin'. We'll just keep an eye on them. Give you something to do with your time. You'll get bored pretty easily the first few months." She didn't see how. Everything was so new. "And I guarantee Tanya won't mind it for a few days." Oh yeah… It was Tanya's home. Bella suddenly wasn't sure about this plan. "I have a way of making people do what I want, if you'll remember." Oh… right.

"But you still need to hunt. So we'll drop them off and then run back out right quick-"

"I think I'm okay," Bella admitted. "I… My throat doesn't hurt that bad. And when it does… I just focus on something else." Jasper gave a small nod, but the look on his face told her that he was probing her emotions to triple check.

"We'll go tomorrow night once I get back. The more sated you are, the longer you'll need to be between feedings." She nodded, to show that she was okay with that, and suddenly Jasper was taking his shirt off. Her eyes widened. "What are you doing?" There was a hint of alarm in her voice, like she wasn't quite sure what to make of this.

"We're going to need something to block the wind, and to make sure the chill doesn't get them too much. The shirt will help keep them warm, like a blanket, until we can get to the house. It's about a half hour away." But as he spoke, he effortlessly slipped the two wolves inside of the shirt's torso, and then knotted one end, twice, before he lifted the shirt up and folded it over the wolves. He rose to his feet and she did as well.

It was all seconds.

They started to run through the snow, retracing their steps nearly exactly.

But the sunlight caught Jasper just enough for a split second between the trees… that she caught sight of the scars that littered him. They were not just his face and his arms. It was every inch of his body.

Every single inch.

She touched his arm without meaning to, causing them to pause in the middle of a field. Trees all around the edges, the sun behind the clouds, she could see the scars a little better than the dark of her room. How hadn't she noticed this many before?

His brow furrowed as she stared at his arm, frowning. And her finger ran over one, so lightly she could barely even feel the raised skin. There were hundreds – she'd even venture thousands. But Jasper didn't say anything, even when she knew they stood there for a human minute.

But she couldn't figure out how he had gotten so many. He had explained a little… but had he been hurt by them? Had he let them do this?

"Jasper?" she asked quietly. Her fingers found another.

He swallowed, as if bracing himself for a question he had a feeling was coming. "Yes, darlin'?"

"While you were… with Maria… how many people did a newborn eat their first day?"

"Three to four, depending on their size." Oh. That was… a lot more than she expected. "Animals are larger than humans, so they have more blood."

Perhaps it was another reason that the animal diet was better? She didn't know. The only animal drinkers she had met were the Denali's and the Cullens, and they seemed to have chosen it because of Carlisle. Were there other vegetarians?

"How big were the armies?" she asked.

"It varied, after battles. But before battles, we'd try to get them at least two hundred strong." Her eyes widened and she glanced up sharply to Jasper's eyes. His face was unreadable.

"So up to eight hundred people?" she breathed.

He gave a grim smile. "Back then, times were different. People went missing all the time while exploring west, or south. Or even north. Territory was unmarked, and we could travel freely at night as far as we needed to feed. We never stayed in one particular location for long, to feed. Sometimes we'd keep people for a few weeks, as they were needed. We'd stock up, so to speak, if we knew we were changing a few people soon." She swallowed back the venom that she felt was more vomit induced than confusion. "Or we'd save them and change them if we felt like it. It was all varying on Maria's mood."

Her gaze dropped back to the scars, and she touched another. But her hand dropped sharply at the sound of one of the wolves crying. "Sorry… we should go back to the house."

"It's alright, darlin'. You're always welcome to ask me something, or work through your thoughts. I'd rather you do than get lost in that head of yours."

She appreciated the honesty – again. Even when he had no reason to be honest with her, he had been. She didn't feel it projected though – she just knew. She wondered if that was a vampire perk, or if it meant she was just getting to know him better.

She didn't want to focus on it too long.

They ran as fast as they could, yet never ran out of breath.


End file.
